


Lux et Veritas

by MoonlightShines (Thatkillervibe)



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Break Up, F/M, Geeks in Love, Gilmore Girls AU, Gossip Girl AU, Interns & Internships, STAR Labs, Senior year, You've been warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2019-11-02 02:27:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17879354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatkillervibe/pseuds/MoonlightShines
Summary: When Caitlin's father dies right before Senior Year, Cisco doubts things could get any worse.Welcome to Central City High School.





	1. Prologue: The Last Song

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. So, welcome to my The Flash-meets-Gossip Girl-meets-Gilmore Girls-meets-Boy Meets World Killervibe fic that nobody ever asked for. I've spent an awful long time on this, about a month and a half, a little every day, trying to world build. We're in for a ride, because this is just. The. Prologue. Anyways, that said, this story isn't finished. In fact, the next chapter isn't even finished, so I'm going to have to ask you to spare me while you wait. I hope it's worth it. 
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I'm planning on naming every chapter after either a high school themed movie or song, so if you have any suggests, let me know!

 

The dress Caitlin’s mother had laid out on her bed was black, lace and very expensive. Paired with a brand-new pearl necklace and silver shoes that matched the highlights in her hair, she was sure she’d look the most beautiful in her life.

 

Caitlin didn’t care.

 

She tore her eyes from the outfit to stare at her reflection in the vanity mirror. Her eyes, red rimmed and her lips chapped.

 

She sat herself down slowly in the chair as she put some lip balm on to smooth out the flaky skin.

 

Her finger began to tremble against her mouth.

 

She wasn’t ready for this. She wasn’t ready to close her father’s coffin shut permanently and dig him in dirt.

 

She didn’t want to bury him. She didn’t want to hear strangers offer her condolences or go to the meeting scheduled with her mother’s lawyers next week about her father’s will and the conditions of her generous trust fund.

 

She just wanted him back. She wanted to _go_ back.

 

On the vanity rested her locket. The silver one with the picture of Dad and her in it from when Caitlin was eleven, and she picked it up delicately to put around her neck.

 

She checked the group chat on her phone. Nothing.

 

Why were they silent? Weren’t her friends going to come? She needed them there. She needed _someone_.

 

Caitlin was a smart girl. She should’ve been smart enough to realize that the girls in her group chat weren’t her real friends a long time ago. They didn’t care about her. They never had.

 

They liked her Ralph Lauren blazers and Jimmy Choo shoes. Her house with its indoor pool and tennis courts.

 

She should’ve been smart enough to see it, and yet, the harsh cold reality of abandonment still slapped hard.

 

Caitlin didn’t actually have any friends. Not anymore.

 

Images of curling brown hair, warm eyes and the high school chemistry lab flashed across her mind.

 

She turned away, cursing herself silently. She didn't deserve anyone. 

 

Caitlin already had her nylons and dress on when her mother walked in.

 

“The limousine will be picking us up within the hour.” Her mother stopped to look her up and down. “What are you wearing?”

 

Caitlin looked at herself, confused. “I’m wearing the dress.”

 

“No, around your neck. Didn’t you see the pearls I bought you?”

 

“Oh,” Caitlin said, her hand going to the locket. She looked down at it. “It’s Daddy’s locket. I thought I could wear this instead.”

 

“Isn’t it a little childish?” her mother replied, brisk. “You’re turning 18.”

 

Caitlin did not know how to respond, but the tears instantly sprung to her eyes.

 

Her mother noticed it and sighed, walking into her room and sitting on her bed.

 

She picked up the abandoned pearls. “Cait, I’m trying here. Stop the tears. Just please wear this necklace.”

 

“But it’s Daddy’s,” she whispered again, once her voice came back.

 

Her mother rolled her eyes and fixed her black veiled hat in Caitlin’s mirror.

 

“Fine.”

 

~.~

 

Organ music played as the guests filed in. Caitlin was sitting in the front pew of a church she’s never been to in her entire life when someone slid in beside her.

 

Her gaze, previously locked on her copy of the funeral’s program shifted and her mouth dropped.

 

“Cisco?”

 

“Hey,” he said in that hushed voice people only ever used in places of worship. He was wearing a really dark grey suit with his hair pulled back.

 

He looked— _good_.

 

It was the first time Caitlin has seen him up close in months. Definitely since before the summer. In fact, the last time they were this close, she was in his bed, laughing as he fumbled in the dark for—

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

Cisco nodded backwards to three pews behind. Barry and Iris waved solemnly.

 

Caitlin was shocked.

 

“Iris told me. We’re here for you. Of course, I’m here. Why didn’t you tell me? Caitlin I’m so sorry.” He hugged her.

 

Her arms layed limp at her sides, frozen numb.

 

He hesitated for the first time, the pained expression that tore Caitlin’s heart into a million pieces settling over his face. “Do you want me to go?”

 

“No!”

 

Cisco’s eyes softened. “You sure?”

 

“No—” Caitlin stammered. She blinked back to the coffin and grief hit her so hard she almost keeled over. Not just for her father, or her ex-boyfriend, but for forgetting the feeling of someone’s genuine care.

 

She twisted her nails into her dress, refusing to look at him. “I don’t want to be alone.”

 

Cisco studied her carefully, probably scrutinizing her different hair, her black painted nails, and the dark makeup on her face. All parts of her from only after.

 

After everything fell away.

 

The organ finished playing and the church filled as Caitlin’s mother came to her other side.

 

“Oh,” she said after a long silent moment. “Francisco. Hello.”

 

“Hi, Dr. T. My deepest condolences.”

 

She gave him a long hard glance.

 

“Thank you. The service is about to begin.”

 

Halfway through the eulogy, Caitlin’s face was streaming with tears. Cisco reached for her hand and she held it tightly. She didn’t let go.

 

~.~

 

It was only after Dad was buried did all of it sink in.

 

Barry and Iris didn’t come along to the cemetery, saying they’d wait at the reception taking place at her house afterwards.

 

Her high heels were clumped with mud and she had just thrown her rose into the grave and somehow Cisco was still here.

 

Somehow he was still here as if they were still together, as if things were still okay, and before she knew it, the minister wrapped up the prayers and she was sobbing into his chest.

 

She didn’t even remember what he said or what she said. Probably a lot of things that were embarrassing. But she did remember the searing kiss Cisco left on her forehead, how she felt it there for the rest of the day.

 

~.~

 

Cisco asked her mom if he could drive her home.

 

Caitlin sat stiffly in the passenger seat of Dante’s beat up toyota.

 

She had a migraine, and more stuffed kleenexes in her purse than she could count.

 

“You got Dante’s car,” she said slowly, when Cisco closed the driver’s door.

 

“I—Yeah. He bought a motorcycle so we share. But he loves his motorcycle so. Mostly just me driving the car now.”

 

“How did you let Mom allow you to drive me home?”

 

Cisco tapped his temple as he put the keys in the ignition, “Super powers.”

 

Caitlin rolled her eyes.

 

The rest of the ride was silent.

 

~.~

 

The moment she stepped foot into her house, her mother ushered her into the guest hall to greet people and shake hands.

 

It felt like a part time job at a Walmart or something, like Caitlin should have stuck on a tacky bright vest over her dress and tell people to have a nice day.

 

She squirmed after accepting condolences from Victor Fry, sensing eyes on her.

 

She refused to look over her shoulder, knowing that Cisco and Barry with Iris were hanging around the hot buffet table, trying to be discreet with their stares.

 

Now, as people mingled and chatted quietly as some odd violin quartet played in the corner, the opportunity for either of them to approach her and talk was a highly probable reality.

 

One that made her nervous. It was easier when there was a schedule and a program and a funeral. Easier when Caitlin was seated in the front row with Cisco, Barry and Iris far behind.

 

Someone touched her elbow, and Caitlin turned to see her mother.

 

“Please try to engage in conversation,” she said dully, clearly not in the mood for any of this either. “You’re being rude, daydreaming like that. Only another hour or so and then we can kick them all out, alright?”

 

Caitlin swallowed, her nails digging into her palms, clenched behind her back.

 

“Sorry,” she whispered.

 

Cisco approached with some food.

 

“Did you eat?” he asked, offering her his plate.

 

She took a cracker and bit into it lightly, founding it hard to swallow around her dry throat and placed it back.

 

Cisco’s face was unimpressed. Not because she returned a half eaten piece of food, but because she almost didn’t take it at all.

 

“I’m not hungry,” she said with a shrug.

 

Cisco distracted her, and she wanted to slap herself for not seeing Barry and Iris creep closer.

 

She looked at them, really studied them, taken aback at how they behaved. Natural and kind with each other, not like they were in the middle of the world’s biggest fight like they’d been the last day of school.

 

A part of her was very pleased (and relieved _so_ relieved) that they were there. Barry especially. Caitlin knew she had royally screwed up there. Iris was different, somehow, because she still saw her quite often and she was in her group chat, even if they no longer ran in the same circles. Iris hung out with Linda, Kendra and Patty who were well liked girls at school, pretty, popular, but they didn’t click with Lexi so that was that.

 

But Barry was there and maybe that meant Caitlin hadn’t completely destroyed everything.

 

That maybe there’s a chance…

 

Caitlin cleared her head, going down rabbit holes was useless.

 

Her ex-best friends coming to her father’s funeral didn’t mean she was ready to face them. Or anyone.

 

Except maybe Cisco.

 

Barry nodded jerkily at Caitlin, asking her to take a walk with him.

 

He was wearing a black suit two sizes too big, the jacket dwarfing his lanky frame. His hair fell over his face, and he kept sweeping it out of his eyes, as he looked behind, as if he wasn’t convinced she wouldn’t make a break for it and lose him in the crowd.

 

He was sort of right.

 

She lagged behind, stopping by the curtains of the window.

 

Barry twiddled his thumbs awkwardly, like he was expecting her to start first.

 

She didn’t know what to say.

 

They stared at each other for a few moments. When it was apparent she wasn’t going to start spilling to Barry everything on her mind, he spoke up.

 

“I know what it’s like,” he started earnestly. “To lose a parent you love. If you ever want to talk…”

 

An olive branch. Small, but sincere. Caitlin braced herself, looking out the at the bright sunlight, her fingers pressing against the windowpane.

 

He put his hand on her shoulder but she flinched. She caught the look on his face: hurt, like she betrayed him. _Again._

 

“I don’t,” she said steely, when she really wanted to just apologize and beg forgiveness from her old friend.

 

Barry didn’t give up.

 

“Caitlin, you were there for me when my mom died. I just...if we could put last year’s crap aside. It was so stupid. We can fix it. Me, you and Cisco. We can be _us_ again.”

 

Barry had always tended to romanticize things. Sometimes the damage has been done. When burning bridges, you can’t expect to salvage what remains. She sighed, but not unkindly, meeting his eyes. “I don’t think so, Barry. Thank you for coming though.”

 

His face fell more, if possible. “Oh. Okay.”

 

She watched Barry walk away, knowing she just ruined any chances of ever reconciling with him. But they wouldn’t like her now anyways. She was doing them a favour.

 

~.~

 

Little by little the crowd trickled out.

 

Caitlin was sat in a large leather chair, her mother long disappeared, swirling her glass of water with her finger.

 

“Hey Caitlin, we’re going to head out now.” Detective West patted her on the shoulder.

 

“Do you need anything? Food? Errands?”

 

“We have people for that,” Caitlin replied.

 

Detective West tsked, rolling his eyes a little. “Yeah, but they can’t make Cecile’s home cooked meals, now can they?”

 

Caitlin didn’t respond, so Iris’s dad decided for her. “We’ll be back in a few days. Tell your mother to take care,” he told her before ushering Barry and Iris out to the front door.

 

Barry nodded over at Cisco. “You coming?”

 

Cisco jerked his head up from where he was taking off his suit jacket, not having paid attention. “What?”

 

“Do you want to leave with us?”

 

He stood in the middle of the empty room, a little fidgety. “Oh, I don’t know. I was thinking of staying a little longer.”

 

Cisco hesitated, looking back at Caitlin for silent confirmation. “If that’s okay with you.”

 

She stood up, placing her glass down.

 

Something about the fact that he seemed reluctant to leave left her with a ghost of a smile.

 

“You can stay,” she found herself saying, too selfish to take it back.

 

Cisco took that as an invitation to slip an arm around her waist and waved at his friends. “I’ll see you guys later.”

 

~.~

 

They retreated upstairs once the final guests left and the staff started hauling out industry sized vacuum cleaners.

 

Caitlin flicked on the light and kicked off her heels.

 

Cisco walked into her room, looking around. “Same pink walls. Same skeleton posters.”

 

“What, you think I remodelled my room just because we stopped hanging out?”

 

Cisco plopped on her couch, loosening his tie. “You remodelled everything else about you.”

 

Caitlin sat on her bed, very self conscious.

 

Cisco shifted, pulling something out of the couch cushions.

 

“Hey, is this my hoodie? That was my favourite one, I thought the dryer ate it.”

 

Caitlin snatched it away. “Piss off.”

 

“Oh, so we’re swearing now. That’s new.”

 

Caitlin rolled her eyes.

 

Cisco seemed totally unbothered. “Remember that time when we just finished midterms, and we’d just had like, the most _intense_ makeup sex for all the times we skipped on dates to spend studying, and we were in your bed when your housekeeper Molida knocked, and you pushed me in the closet and grabbed the first thing you could find to wear to open the door and it was this sweatshirt? Oh man, she knew right away what we were up to,” he chuckled at the memory, throwing his feet up to lie down properly, sprawled against the couch.

 

His hair splayed messily as he tilted his head up against the leather arm to look at Caitlin, albeit upside down.  “Does Molida still work here?”

 

Caitlin stared wide-eyed, clutching her lace dress by her sides. She nodded mutely.

 

Cisco seemed to realize what he said and pulled himself upright. “Uh. That probably wasn’t appropriate to rehash right now.  Sorry.”

 

Her surprise wore off. “No, it’s fine.”

 

Cisco balled up his hoodie, playing with its drawstrings. “Y’know...This is pretty soft, but I bet I’m comfier.”

 

“Cisco…” she warned.

 

“Sorry. I tried.”

 

She huffed.

 

Cisco sat up more. “So. How are you doing, Caitlin? Really.”

 

She picked at her nails. “I can barely breathe.”

 

How was she supposed to feel? How do funerals even work? Yeah, you go stare at the corpse of someone you loved and depended on for the entire 17 years of your life as people who you’ve never seen before cry about why your loved one was so special.

 

Then you drive miles away to a cemetery to watch a big truck dig dirt in the ground for where they’re now going to go forever until they decompose into dust.

 

Then, you eat food. Then it’s over.

 

And everything resumes to normal.

 

They expect everything to go back to normal.

 

Like Caitlin could _ever_ get things back to normal.

 

She blinked rapidly.

 

“I’m sorry,” she gasped as she began to wipe away the rush of tears again. “I just—”

 

Cisco was already by her side, “There’s nothing you need to be sorry for.”

 

—They both knew that was a lie—

 

“I miss him. I miss him and I don’t know what to do, how am I going to go to school and apply to college and—and turn 18 without him here.”

 

“I know,” Cisco soothed.

 

“And I feel so bad because he was in so much pain. It’s bad that I want him still here when he was suffering, but Cisco, I need my dad, things with my mom are so bad and she keeps telling me I’m being a baby about this, like I should’ve been prepared since we knew he was dying but doesn’t she know that’s easier said than done? What am I supposed to do? Erase all the memories of him from my brain? Not love him anymore?”

 

She looked at her hands and winced at the black smudges of her mascara.

 

Cisco hopped up to go to her bathroom and returned with wet towelettes, wiping the streaks on her face away.

 

“There,” he whispered gently. “Caitlin, you feel how you feel. Grief is real and it doesn’t go away in a day.”

 

She looked down at her lap. “Why are you really here? Why don’t you hate me?”

 

“Caitlin, you _know_ that what had happened was a big misunderstanding. I don’t hate you. I _can’t_ hate you. I’d never." 

 

She felt herself slipping as she leaned forward, her fingers inching their way across her duvet cover for him.

 

He took her hand like he did during the funeral, and she felt her heart do that _thing._ That jittery fluttering thing.  

 

They were close.

 

She didn’t like the way he was looking at her. She loved the way he was looking at her.

 

She got up to throw out the wet wipes and wash her hands.

 

“Soooo…” Cisco drawled, his voice carrying over the rush of water from her sink, “Senior year, huh? You ready?”

 

“No.”

 

“Yeah, me neither.”

 

Caitlin hedged at the edge of the bathroom door.

 

“Um, how’s Barry and Iris?”

 

She was curious, based off the short stiff conversations she had. “I didn’t really get the chance to talk with them about that.”

 

That was a nice way of putting it, not like she sort of turned the corner every time she found to be in the same room as them after what happened with Barry.

 

Caitlin was glad he didn’t say what she deserved. _Why don’t you ask them yourself?_

It was too much.

 

Cisco’s face lit up. “Ooooh, you’d never believe it. They finally did it!”

 

“No!” Caitlin perked up immediately, walking back and sitting at the opposite end of the couch. She drew her knees to her chest, deliberately avoiding Cisco’s legs spread out along the cushions.

 

“She and Eddie broke up?!?”

 

  
They fell into the easy old habits of teenage gossip. The revolving drama around Barry and his decade long pining on Iris. She was happy for them. She truly was.

 

The last thing Caitlin remembered was the awkward dance they were doing after Eddie found out that Barry was in love with his girlfriend.

 

Cisco was nice about it, like Caitlin didn’t wreck a relationship and almost ruined Barry’s most coveted friendship in the process.

 

It turned out Eddie broke it off the day before Iris was about to break up with him, both knowing her feelings were stronger for Barry than they were for him.

 

  
“So now they’re dating? For real?”

 

Cisco nodded, “Oh yeah, it’s pukey. Power couple, definitely contenders for Homecoming King and Queen. I mean, unless they’re up against us, that is.” Cisco winked.

 

Caitlin looked down at her lap, blushing. She forgot how much Cisco flirted. She forgot how much she liked it.

 

Her stomach grumbled.

 

“Hungry?”

 

She shrugged, “There’s probably leftovers from downstairs.”

 

“Uh, you mean those frou frou crab puffs and asparagus squares?” Cisco scoffed and got up, “Nah, we’re not doing that.”

 

Caitlin cocked an eyebrow, watching Cisco pace around her bedroom.

 

“What do you want? We’re gonna feast. I’m talking all your favourites. Let’s go, I want this entire bedroom filled with junk and I don’t wanna hear one complaint.”

 

Caitlin bit her lip holding in her smile. “...I wouldn’t mind a Big Belly Burger.”

 

“Yes!” Cisco crowed, pumping a fist. “...And?”

 

“Starbucks? A mocha.” Her stomach grumbled again. “I want fries.”

 

“You got it, babe. I’m gonna Uber Eats the shit outta them.”

 

The endearment slipped and Caitlin didn’t correct him.

 

“Hey, where’s your mom? Does she want anything?”

 

From Big Belly Burger? Hardly.

 

“She went to her study. She said she wanted to be alone.”

 

Caitlin watched Cisco give out his gigantic order over the phone, frowning when he batted away her mother’s credit card.

 

“Yeah, can I order a double—make that triple—cheeseburger with ketchup, mustard and fries. Yeah, and two California burgers with ketchup, mustard tomato and extra lettuce,” Cisco paused, putting his hand over the phone speaker, “You still like extra lettuce, right?”

 

She nodded. He stuck out his tongue and mouthed out _‘weirdo’._

 

“Right and I’ll add two large fries to that order. Thanks, yeah man, debit.”

 

It was night, Caitlin realized distractedly, when the doorbell rang and she looked outside to find it was dark.

 

The food came quickly, and Molida helped Cisco carry it all up. Caitlin avoided the sneaky looks she gave them as Cisco prattled on happily about bumping into her in the hallway.

 

She knew what this looked like. She shot Molida a glare.

 

Caitlin wasn’t going to end up in only Cisco’s hoodie tomorrow morning. She wasn’t.

 

Molida found a red picnic tablecloth and they spread it across the floor, then dug into the food, sitting together against the foot of her bed.

 

When Caitlin’s fingers were salty from fries and Cisco was lying against the tablecloth with his arms behind his head, staring at the ceiling with a Twizzler hanging out of his mouth, she knew she was in big trouble.

 

She threw a wrapper at him, and he batted it back lazily.

 

“So how was your summer?”

 

Cisco turned to his side and squinted, “Promise not to be mad?”

 

She gulped. “Promise.”

 

“I got the summer internship at Star Labs. I’m not going to lie—It’s awesome.”

 

Caitlin pushed down her flair of jealousy. She’s always wanted to intern at Star Labs. They both had. It was their dream. They were going to apply together and hopefully work together and then spend all of their lunch breaks kissing. But doing that would be like the daughter of McDonalds working at Burger King. Her mom was pretty strict that all her volunteerism and job experience in research would be for Tannhauser Industries.

 

“I’m not mad! That’s super cool! How did you get it?”

 

“Professor Stein wrote me a letter of recommendation.”

 

“Seriously, I think that’s great.”

 

He gave her a side-eye. “Really?”

 

Caitlin swallowed down the lump in her throat. “Yes, of course. What is it you’re working on?”

 

Caitlin couldn’t help smiling along to Cisco’s vivid description of the particle accelerator project the lab was working on, how it will revolutionize Central City’s energy economy and possibly be the biggest metropolitan advancement in physics since the adaptation of electricity—Sounded like a stretch on Cisco’s part— but it did seem pretty cool.

 

“What about you? Any cool internships?”

 

Caitlin shook her head. “...No. I mean, does it really matter?”

 

Cisco frowned. “You were the one who told me it did. That it would look good on our college aps.”

 

She folded her hands in her lap tightly and put on a strained smile. “Well it’s not like I had the time after all, now did I?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Caitlin blinked. “Cisco, I watched my Dad _die_.”

 

Cisco’s smile fell off his face. “Oh Caitlin.”

 

“I’m sorry, that came out badly. I—It’s all I can think about today.” That and _him_. “I’m not fun. You should go home.”

 

“I didn’t come to have fun, Caitlin. Or to get back together.”

 

He paused, “I mean, unless you want…”

 

“Cisco.”

 

“Right, ignore me,” he sighed. “I came because you’ve been my best friend since Kindergarten and no matter what’s going on between us, I still want to be there for you.”

 

That meant a lot, actually. Something Caitlin couldn't put in words. She had always had Cisco, always have had him by her side, that used to be fact. These past few months have been horrible, Caitlin no longer certain that any of the things or people she believed in were true. But that, what Cisco just said, was like a soothing balm.  

 

“Thank you.”

 

Cisco pushed some trash out of the way, scooting closer.  

 

“Would you like to talk more about him? Your dad?”

 

Caitlin shook her head no. She’s had enough right now. Maybe later. “Distract me? Please?”

 

Cisco fished in his bag for one last fry. “Okay, yeah, I can do that. What else did you do then this summer? I doubt Miss I Read Tolstoy For Fun sat on her ass and did _nothing_ since July.”

 

Caitlin twisted her fingers, “I hung out with Lexi.”

 

He groaned, flopping back onto the tablecloth, covering his eyes with the palms of his hands.

 

“ _Nooo, why?_ ” he whined.

 

“She’s not that bad. She looks out for me. And she was very supportive about my dad.”

 

Cisco peeked from under his hands, “Yeah, uh huh, I’m listening. So, I’m just wondering, do I need glasses or something because last time I checked she was not there today.”

 

Caitlin opened her mouth, then closed it, thinking back to the hurt she felt when the group chat didn’t respond to her texts that morning.

 

If Caitlin were to be honest with herself, she didn’t expect much from Lisa and Shawna. Lisa probably forgot and she doubted Shawna even checked her phone since her boyfriend came back from college this summer.

 

But Lexi promised she’d be there.

 

“I’m sure she had a good explanation.”

 

Cisco’s eyes softened. “She doesn’t deserve you.”

 

“She protected me because she thought you hurt me. You don’t know her,” Caitlin accused.

 

Her phone beeped. Caitlin looked.

 

_Omg Caitlin I’m so sorry an emergency came up. I wish I was there with you!!! Feel better lots of love, xoxoxo._

 

She flashed the text at Cisco. “See? She had an emergency.”

 

“What, did she break a nail?”

 

“Cisco!”

 

“I don’t trust her.”

 

“You don’t have to,” Caitlin snapped. “She’s _my_ friend. Not yours.”

 

She saw the way Cisco made a funny face. His eyebrows pinched, mouth open like he wanted to argue more, but changed his mind.

 

They’ve argued _so_ much this year over stupid, pathetic things.

 

“Okay,” he said shortly, and Caitlin knew the topic was dropped.

 

“So, have you, um, been seeing anyone?” Cisco asked her, trying to sound casual.

 

Caitlin picked at her nails. “No.”

 

“Nice,” Cisco replied. Then quickly shook his head, gesturing rapidly. “No, I don’t mean, like, that’s _nice_. It’s not, it’s so not. Anyone would want to date you, like why aren’t guys lining up to date you.”

 

Cisco went beet red as he stuck his foot in his mouth. “I just meant like, _nice_ . You know like, um... _nice_ ,” he finished lamely.

 

There was a pause. Caitlin’s cheeks were also aflame, paired with the burning need to ask him the same thing, but she was terribly afraid of his answer.

 

“Have you?” she choked out.

 

“No,” Cisco said quickly, averting his gaze. He laughed dryly.  “I’m kind of still hung up on my ex.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“I really like her. She’s the prettiest, smartest girl in school. I’ve known her forever. Since Kindergarten.”

 

Caitlin bit on the nail of her thumb, trying not to smile.

 

Cisco caught her, and his smile widened. “She has big brown eyes and the loveliest speaking voice.”

 

“Cisco,” she mumbled, losing battle as she fought the dangerous effects of  his playful grin.

 

“Her name is Melinda Torres.”

 

She gasped. “Oh, screw you,” Caitlin spluttered, pushing him away, pelting him with empty fry cartons.

 

Cisco cracked up. “We were six, Caitlin! When are you going to let it go?”

 

“When you stop claiming she was your first girlfriend,” she shot back, falling easily into this old silly, stupid argument.

 

She leaned back, supporting herself with her elbows bent behind her on the floor.  “I kissed you first.”

 

“Yeah, but I didn’t like it.”

 

“That was a mistake,” she huffed, her nose up in the air, pretending to be haughty.

 

“No, you’re right,” Cisco admitted. “It was. Crazy eight-year-old me.”

 

“Remember when we were ten and Hartley pushed you in his locker?”

 

Cisco propped up on his elbows too, mirroring her.  “Ooh, and he denied it like the dick he is? Pretty sure that was the birth of my claustrophobia.”

 

“That’s how I feel,” Caitlin admitted, looking aside. “Like I’m trapped. I don’t want things to be like this.”

 

“Like what?”

 

He was going to make her say it, wasn’t he?

 

She hated how her voice shook.

 

“Like everything is broken. I _miss_ you.”

 

“Caitlin, I swear all you have to do is say the words and all of this could be over. I still—”

 

“Stop,” she pleaded weakly. She had to shut that down, because if she let him continue, if she let him keep talking... then she might listen. “Just. Please. Not now.”

 

Cisco stopped talking, but came closer, sat next to her as their backs rested against the side of her bed, and now they were brushing shoulders.

 

Cisco reached up on the bed to find his phone that he dropped there but instead found the gift box with the pearls instead.

 

“Woah,” he said when he popped the lid. “Pretty sure this is worth more than my entire house.”

 

Caitlin rolled her eyes. “It’s from my mom. I hate it.”

 

Cisco was skeptical, picking it up and admiring it. “I dunno Cait...This looks fly to me.”

 

“She thinks she can buy my sadness away.”

 

He was distracted by what looked like a pearl count.  “Huh?”

 

“Mom tried to force me to wear that with this dress instead of my locket.”

 

Cisco’s eyes flickered back to hers at the mention of the locket. Caitlin reached for it, gripping like it was her lifeline. “You know Daddy gave this to me. And she said I was being childish for caring about this.”

 

Cisco put the expensive pearls down, and placed a hand on Caitlin’s knee.

 

“It’s not childish. Look, Dr. T is cool and stuff, but I know she doesn’t like me all that much, and she’s whack for controlling how you choose to continue the memory of your dad.”

 

Caitlin leaned her back against the edge of her bed, her lips parting as she listened, her eyes attentively on his.

 

“That locket has sentimental value she can’t just like, turn you into her. Like an ice princess Barbie. You’re smart and special and gorgeous and _you._ ”

 

“Cisco,” she breathed, her eyelids going heavy as he continued  passionately. She hung onto his every word.

 

“And so screw her then. Whatever. She didn’t want you to wear your locket? Well you still did. You have autonomy Caitlin, you do what you want.” He reached forward, dropping his licorice and taking the locket in his hand.

 

He fiddled with it as he kept talking, unclasping the hook. The little pendant swung open, revealing the picture of her father wedged in the frame.

 

“That’s a nice photo,” he murmured.

 

“I switched it out.”

 

Cisco looked up. “Right, of course. It would be weird if you still had my face in your necklace. We’re not dating anymore. And especially wearing it today. He’s the one who gave you the locket, it makes sense you have your dad.”

 

He played with it some more.

 

Caitlin hoped he couldn’t hear the way her heart was beating out of her chest.

 

“I never noticed the fine details before. This has actually really nice engravings. Is it silver?”

 

He flipped the pendant twice. His thumb accidentally slid on the tiny glossy photograph, causing it to move out of place.

 

Her dad’s picture stuck to his finger, and when he pulled away he was met with the old image of himself.

 

He went quiet.

 

“Oh.”

 

She looked up and said, “It’s hard to get it out once its in.”

 

“Right.”

 

She leaned forward, his hand still clasped around her necklace, with hooded eyes. She hesitated, an inch from where she wanted him. Cisco’s eyes fell to her mouth, his own opening slightly.

 

She tilted her head and kissed him.

 

A warm feeling spread through her chest as she clung to him, kissing him desperately, afraid it would be the last time ever.

 

Cisco inhaled sharply, a surprised moan escaping him before he pressed his lips back, pulling her into his lap.

 

Caitlin straddled him as his hands moved to her back, holding her through the black lace of her dress. The dress hiked up against her thighs, exposing her legs in nylons.

 

Caitlin couldn’t stop. Her tongue was in his, fitting perfectly exactly how it used to before.

 

Her arms snaked around his neck, and Cisco’s head thudded back against the edge of the bed, breaking away shortly so he could catch his breath.

 

“Caitlin,” Cisco panted out. “Shit.”

 

“I need you. Please, Cisco. I missed you so much.”

 

He put his mouth on her neck, against the silver chain, and Caitlin’s eyes fluttered close with a soft mewl.

 

She gripped onto his hair as he made his way back up her throat, kissing her pulse point, her jaw, her cheek, her lips.

 

Her mind went fuzzy as arousal pooled dangerously below. His strong hand was on her thigh now, and all she wanted it was up, up, up. She almost wanted to laugh, how good this felt, but it wasn’t funny how much she needed him.

 

She didn’t know how she went this long without.

 

Her fingers shook when she reached behind, unzipping her dress. The top sagged forward, bunching around her chest. She pushed it down, exposing what she was wearing underneath, and Cisco’s eyes went dark.

 

She placed his hands over her bra, and he caressed her gently, then pulled away quickly with a groan.

 

“No,” he said. “We shouldn’t do this.”

 

Time stopped. Caitlin felt like she was stuck on fragile ice.

 

“You...You don’t want me?”

 

Cisco looked conflicted. “I want you. I want to. I want to so much, but...Baby, your dad just died. You’ve been crying off and on all day. We broke up. I don’t want to do something you’ll regret.”

 

She swooped in, kissing him deeply. “Then let’s not be broken up. I want this. I need you.”

 

She grinded into his lap, and he hissed. “I missed you. We’re so good together. You know we are.”

 

Cisco took a lock of her hair into his hand, marvelling at the new silver highlights. Caitlin unpinned it and it all went spilling out.

 

“It looks so different.”

 

“Bad?”

 

Cisco didn’t reply.

 

“I’m still me. I’m still your Caitlin.”

 

She kissed him again, over and over as long as he’d let her, which he always did.

 

“I don’t think you understand how much I love you.”

 

Caitlin’s heart stuttered, and she rolled her hips against his again, pulling his shirt out from beneath his dress pants. Her black nails against his warm skin.

 

“Then show me.”

 

He whimpered, pressing his face into her bare shoulder. Kissing her there lightly. He tried to pull her dress sleeve back up, but she stopped his hand, and slid it back down, then brought it to her bra clasp.

 

“Show me, Cisco.”

 

His fingers unhooked the clasp.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

She nodded, one tone short of begging, “ _Yes_. _Please_.”

 

He lifted her up. Caitlin wrapped her legs around his waist as she pulled off his tie completely, dropping it on the floor.

 

He detoured around the bed to turn off the lights, then placed her down gently against her duvet.

 

She snapped his suspenders before he could unclip them.

 

“Hey now,” he said, and she giggled at his heated gaze. He pulled his wrinkled white button up over his head.

 

It went dark and she could no longer really see him. But she could feel him all around her, touching her, and she could hear him, whispering softly in her ear, and that was all that she needed.

 

~.~

 

Come morning, Cisco was sleeping soundly beside her and she had half the urge to push him away out of sheer mortification. The other half wanted to wake him up and do it all over again.

 

She poked at his face until he snuffled. He opened a bleary eye, his hair a birdsnest of tangles, but yawned and smiled at her.

 

And just like that they were okay.

 

~.~

 

Cisco had left after breakfast with a quick kiss and a promise to call her at lunch time, skedaddling to make it home to change and get to Star Labs on time. Molida let him out silently, one eyebrow arched high at Caitlin.

 

“It was nice seeing you again, Cisco. Hope to see you around soon.”

 

“You too, Molls!”

 

Caitlin wrapped her arms around the sleeves of Cisco’s hoodie as she stood on her front porch, watching Dante’s car pull out of their parking garage.

 

Cisco waved before he U-turned then drove down the road.

 

Caitlin found herself smiling softly, fingers curled into the fleece, unable to stop remembering last night in vivid detail.

 

Molida cleared her throat.

 

“Miss Snow?”

 

Caitlin snapped out of her daze.

 

“Yes?”

 

“You might want to um—“ Molida gestured to her own neck. “Let’s get you changed and dressed before your mother wakes, yeah?”

 

Caitlin burned furiously under the housekeeper’s gaze, slapping her hand over the hickey Cisco left on her throat and followed her back inside obediently in search for concealer.

 

~.~

 

Caitlin thought the magazines scattered on Lexi’s bed were pure trash but was somehow talked into taking the _Cosmo_ quizzes anyway.

 

Lisa painted her nails a bright red as she read the next quiz title. _“Are You Good In Bed?”_

 

Shawna snorted. “Bitch, please.”

 

Lexi dug through her closet, pulling a blue dress out and holding it in front of herself in the mirror. “Oh my god, like we need a quiz to know.”

 

Lisa high fived her, nearly tipping over her paint bottle, “Mmm, preach. Caitlin, when it comes to sex positions you….A. _sometimes try different things, sometimes stick to classics._ B. _Tend to stick to a couple favourites or what he suggests, but you’re not too keen on doing anything out there_. Or C…”

 

Lisa gave Caitlin a feral grin and purred, “Change it up _eveerrrrynight_.”

 

Caitlin squirmed, trying to dispel the images of Cisco’s fingers and mouth. “I don’t feel comfortable answering that.”

 

Shawna rolled her eyes. “Why not?”

 

Lexi snapped her fingers. “Let’s not embarrass Caitlin.”

 

Caitlin smiled tightly at Lexi, “Thank you—”

 

“—She’s obviously a virgin, and there’s nothing wrong with that Shawna.”

 

Caitlin frowned. “Actually—”

 

“Fine,” Lisa interrupted. “You answer the question, Shawna. A, B or C?”

 

And there went Shawna, giving way too much information about exactly how she liked to get it with her college long distance boyfriend.

 

Caitlin closed her eyes, inhaling through her nose. These girls could be so much sometimes.

 

Why was she even trying to defend herself?

 

Whose matter was it whether she’s slept with someone or not other than her and well...Cisco. The only person she’s ever slept with.

 

She side eyed them, laughing over kinks. Sure, the conversations weren’t riveting, but it’s not like they should be. Caitlin’s been sheltered by her old friends, how they all bonded over science and school.

 

These girls didn’t care and that was refreshing. Besides, they knew how to be _girls_ how to not be socially awkward. They were bold and flirty and knew what they wanted and weren’t afraid to tell you.

 

Caitlin admired that. Really, she did.

 

“So how does this skirt fit on me? I love it, it cost a lot but worth it,” Lexi asked, sucking in her stomach. “It’s Ralph Lauren.”

 

Lisa and Shawna oohed and ahhed.

 

Caitlin stopped scrolling through Instagram to look up. “Yeah, that one’s nice. I have it in green. It’s from last season.”

 

Caitlin went back to Instagram, bored, oblivious to the way Lexi narrowed her eyes.

 

“Well, whatever. Do you think Ronnie would notice my legs in it?”

 

“Ronnie? Ronnie Raymond?”

 

“Yeah, he’s so hot. Don’t you think so?”

 

Caitlin shrugged,  “He used to have a crush on me sophomore year. He’s very intelligent.”

 

“Shut up!” Lexi shrilled, " _No_ _way_.”

 

Lisa looked at Caitlin as if she had three heads, “Well why didn’t you hit that?”

 

Caitlin frowned. “I was with Cisco.”

 

“You dropped Ronnie McHottie for _Mosquito_?”

 

“Ha,” Shawna snorted. “ _Cisquito_.”

 

Caitlin bit down on her inner cheek, temper flaring.

 

“ _Don’t_ call him that!”

 

“Why the hell not?” Lexi demanded, throwing the skirt on the bed. “He fucking cheated!”

 

“He did not,” Caitlin snapped.

 

Lexi’s gaze softened. “He did, Caity. He really threw you in for a number if you believe otherwise. Twisted bastard. What’s rule one, ladies?”

 

Lisa rose her hand like this was a pop quiz. “No talking about our exes unless it’s talking shit.”

 

Shawna nodded sagely. “Amen.”

 

Caitlin swallowed, staring down at her phone.

 

“Caitlin, can you go get my black belt?”

 

She was glad for the excuse to leave, grumbling under her breath as she walked over to Lexi’s walk in closet.

 

The black belt was beneath a pile of other clothes, and when she grabbed it, a heap fell to the floor. Caitlin crouched down, picking up the items from where the half fell into an empty Ralph Lauren bag.

 

She mindlessly pushed three camisoles back into the shelf, when her fingers brushed against something crinkly.

 

She pulled away the receipt from the bag.

 

Caitlin couldn’t help but peruse it, curious to see how much Lexi paid for the skirt, even though she knew it was really none of her business.

 

She stopped short at the date.

 

Lexi bought the skirt yesterday. At eleven thirty, to be precise. It said so on the timestamp. The exact same time Caitlin was sitting in a church staring at her father’s coffin.

 

Lexi’s ‘emergency’ was a _fashion_ one.

 

Caitlin wanted to scream.

 

She crumpled the paper in her hand and dropped it on the floor, leaving the rest of the fallen items there too.

 

She grabbed the belt and threw it at Lexi.

 

“Woah,” Lexi scolded, trying to catch it before the buckle hit the ground. “Aggressive much?”

 

“Shut up,” Caitlin bit out, gathering her stuff.

 

“What did I do?” Lexi asked, and Caitlin scoffed, fighting back tears. Lisa and Shawna watched Caitlin with identical judgey faces.

 

She almost told her off. She should have. Like, how the hell was that okay? Caitlin told Lexi how important it was to her that she’d come, and she promised she would and Caitlin was stupid enough to believe her.

 

But it didn’t make sense. Lexi was so kind to her, so compassionate and, yes, shallow maybe but supportive.

 

They’d text until midnight, and eat brownies in Caitlin’s kitchen. She picked her up and helped her out when she had nobody. Why would she do that, if not for she cared?

 

If she let Lexi go then she’d have nobody.

 

And yes. She had Cisco, Cisco today, by some twisted miracle of fate, she had him again, but what about tomorrow?

 

How long before Cisco realizes Caitlin’s not the same girl anymore and leaves her behind.

 

She wasn’t holding her breath.

 

Caitlin slowed, putting her Coach purse back down. Maybe she was acting too hasty. Lexi did invite her over today after all. This whole afternoon was dedicated to cheer Caitlin up.

 

Maybe Lexi’s mother bought the skirt. Or her grandmother. Maybe the store’s printer had the wrong date.

 

“Nothing,” Caitlin eventually replied. She pulled her hair in a ponytail and adjusted her tank top.

 

“Sorry, I—” Her eyes wandered up the walls of Lexi’s room, passing along the posters of Shawn Mendes and Cardi B when she spotted a creepy crawly.

 

“A spider!”

 

The girls jumped up and screamed as Caitlin sat there on Lexi’s bed, thighs pressing against glossy pages of trashy magazines, her hair blowing every so often with the change of direction of Lexi’s fan.

 

Caitlin clutched her purse to her chest as Lisa sprayed perfume at the bug per Lexi’s commands and Shawna screamed bloody murder, wondering what the hell was wrong with her, if she could really be this pathetic.

 

~.~

 

The last two weeks of summer vacation consisted of Caitlin texting Lexi Laroche during the day as Cisco interned at Star Labs, waiting for three-thirty, when he’d drive over and spend the rest of the evening with her.

 

They’d swim in her pool, watch movies, and go to the science museum. Sharing ice creams, sharing kisses, sharing sunsets.

 

It wasn’t their dream of working together at Star Labs like they hoped eight months ago, but it was still good.

 

 

~.~

 

Caitlin wasn’t good.

 

Cisco eyed her a lot when he thought she wasn’t looking.

 

Like the time she was hungover from Lexi’s party the night before, when Cisco hadn’t even known that she’d ever gotten drunk.

 

Like when he suggested meeting up with Barry or double dating with him and Iris and she clammed up and went _no, no, no_.

 

Like every time he said he loved her and she’d only kiss the words out of his mouth.

 

And he’d ask her a lot, if _they_ were good.

 

And she’d always say they were with a reassuring tug on his hand while hiking along the trail near her estate, or when they had lunches by the streaming brook.

 

They were good, she’d say as sticky August turned into breezy September, and the first week of classes loomed right around the corner.

 

“We’re good,” she promised, twisting her silvery hair into a bun before they crossed the street to avoid Lexi’s home.

 

So they were good.

  
  



	2. Cisco and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caitlin kissed him after she slammed the car door close, buckling in her seatbelt, grumbling under her breath on the first day of school.
> 
> "Mom troubles?" he asked.
> 
> "Just drive."

 

Everything was always immaculate here, Cisco thought. How the walls and floors were shining white and polished. The state of the art equipment expensive in a way that had him skittish to touch the first few weeks, afraid of being scolded for using them.

 

He never was.

 

The people around him were too busy to take him notice, in their white coats and pencil skirts with heels bustling around him, all doing their jobs, just like Cisco was doing his. And how nice, he thought, getting to do this for real, some day.

 

Cisco was busy scribbling his signature on the papers, finalizing his last report after the data entry he finished. The lab was near empty, and he glanced around it, committing all the details to memory. He had taken to this lab from the very moment he had been assigned to the department, it had served well this summer as a quiet safe space, a home away from home.

 

Immersed in his paperwork, Cisco missed the mechanic swish of the automated glass door sliding open, not realizing he had company until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He smiled up at his supervisor, _The_ Dr. Wells. It’s been three months and he still couldn’t believe it.

 

“Well, it’s three-thirty. You’re done. How does it feel?”

 

Cisco let go of his pen and sighed wistfully. “Honestly, Sir. Kinda down. I really like it here.”

 

“I’m glad. You were excellent to work with. I’ve already drafted a glowing recommendation for wherever you choose to pursue your higher education.”

 

A flush came to his face, and Cisco glanced aside, shy from the praise. “Thank you, Dr. Wells.”

 

“No, thank _you._ Where are you wanting to go to school?”

 

Cisco opened his mouth to reply when Tess Morgan sidled up to Dr. Wells’s side.

 

He wrapped an arm around his wife’s waist and she clucked her tongue. “Don’t stress him, Harrison. He still has plenty of time to decide.”

 

“Well, my girlfriend and I were always planning for an Ivy,” Cisco said. “But I’d also take MIT or Caltech.”

 

“Engineering, I hope.”

 

“Yessir.”

 

Cisco stood up, unclipping his ID. School started tomorrow. Somehow swapping his Star Labs keycard for his old library pass was kind of depressing.

 

He looked down at it, his laminated card, the serial number they gave him. The picture he had taken on his first day, how he was pretty sure he blinked and yet it _still_ turned out better than any framed Picture Day photograph hanging on the walls at home. 

 

He felt important here. Like he belonged, like someone finally ( _finally_ ) looked at him and went _Y_ _es, you. We like you. You’re good._

 

Cisco knew he was good, in the back of his mind, front of his mind, whatever. His GPA said so. His report cards said so. Barry said so (Hartley didn't, but who cared about him).  _Caitlin_ used to say so. He felt he was good.

 

Cisco hoped he was good, but was he really? Enough?

 

Probably not. And still, this taste of a dream, of his future that he so desperately wants to live now already is enough to motivate him to work harder to get it again. Permanently, next time. With his own lab and a desk with his name on it. A degree, a couple of them, with his name in latin script hanging nearby next to a window. 

 

 _Hold your horses_ , he told himself. He needed to graduate high school first. 

 

Cisco gave up his ID, handing it to Dr. Wells.

 

Dr. Wells looked down at the badge, but didn’t say anything for a while.

 

Tess grinned, “Oh stop with the suspense, look how sad the boy is, just tell him already.”

 

“What?” Cisco asked, looking back and forth between the scientist and his wife, unfollowing.

 

“The thing is, Mr. Ramon,” Dr. Wells began, returning the ID, “I’m not sure I want this back. Because the truth is, I’ve grown quite fond of you. And Tess and I were wondering if you’d like to continue shadowing at Star Labs during the Fall. Say, twice a week after school?”

 

Cisco’s jaw nearly dropped to the floor. “You want me to stay?!”

 

“We’d love to have you, Cisco,” Tess finished, beaming. “What do you say?”

 

“—I’d have to ask my parents,” he said immediately, and he winced at how juvenile that sounded but was relieved to see the two nod in agreement, “But that would be the best thing I’ve heard all summer.”

 

“Come back sometime next week, schedule an appointment and we can discuss contracts with a legal consultant, and a guardian of course.”

 

“Thank you so much!”

 

Dr. Wells shook his head, shooing him out. “Go. Enjoy your last day of summer vacation.”

 

~.~

 

Cisco was on cloud nine when he parked Dante’s car in the guest garage of Caitlin’s estate, bouncing on his heels in the elevator.

  
  
He fired off a quick text to tell her he made it in, then bounded for her library where he knew she would be memorizing the course outlines for tomorrow’s schedule. He creeped up behind her where she was reading silently at her desk, still a little off guard at all the tin-foil silver in her hair.

  
  
He covered her eyes, kissing her cheek and she dropped her pen. “Guess who?” he murmured.

  
  
Cisco removed his hands and she turned her head over her shoulder. “Hi.” Her eyes shined bright and soft, blinking at him with easy cheer. He couldn’t keep it in any longer, the news near busting inside him as he rubbed up and down her bare arms excitedly.

 

“Guess who’s boyfriend just got offered a Fall placement at Star Labs?”

  
  
Caitlin gaped, turning around. “Mine?”

  
  
“Yours! And Dr. Wells said he already wrote me a letter of recommendation for college!”

  
  
Caitlin squeezed his hand. “That’s amazing, oh my gosh! You deserve it!”

 

He shared her smile, pulling her up from the chair, and turning on the lights. Why she kept herself hidden in the dark alcove with only a window was beyond him when her house was equipped with the best green energy efficient systems on the market. 

 

Her words spread a warmth in his chest and he wanted to believe them, but still, doubt creeped into his mind. His fingers skimmed over her dark wooden desk, focusing on rearranging her gel pens. 

  
“Do you think so, really? All I was doing was writing notes and doing small lab assignments.”

  
  
Caitlin folded her arms, raising an eyebrow. “Stop selling yourself so short. You’re the smartest person I know.”

 

He looked up at her. "You're not just saying that because I'm your boyfriend so you kinda have to, but really, secretly, like deep down next to your dark chocolate obsession you think Lily Stein’s the smartest?" 

 

Caitlin laughed, swatting his arm like that would smack the silliness out of his head. "I am not obsessed with dark chocolate!"

 

"Sure you're not," he countered, eyes crinkling when she pressed a kiss to his cheek to distract him from checking her waste paper basket to prove his point. 

 

"Lily's intelligent. Hartley's sharp. But you're my favourite smartypants," she said. 

 

  
Cisco smirked a little, “You think Hartley got the same offer? Bet he didn’t.”

  
  
Caitlin rolled her eyes at Cisco’s ongoing battle with his nemesis, choosing not to comment. “We should celebrate.”

  
  
“We should,” he enthused, offering her his arm. She took it, looking at him expectantly. “How about dinner?”

 

~.~

  
  
After food, Cisco took Caitlin to the little dessert shop that overlooked the river. They shared cheesecake and Sprite, clinking each other’s forks.

  
  
Caitlin kept looking over at the water, quiet.

  
  
She’d been like that, lately, off and on. Like she'd fall into moods where she was afraid to talk.

  
  
“Is everything okay?”

  
  
She took a moment to respond, scraping cheesecake off the plate. “Fine.”

  
  
He gave her a look. Maybe there were things that changed between them. But Cisco will never lose the skill of knowing when she lied. And Caitlin knew that too.

  
  
“I’m just—Worried. About school.”

  
  
“You love school.”

  
  
“I love learning,” she corrected, wrinkling her nose. “I don’t love CC High. Not anymore.”

  
  
“That’s fair.”

  
  
“I’ve been dreaming about this year since middle school. Starting it with you and applying to college. I’ve wanted to be a doctor for so long. What if I don’t get into a good school?”

  
  
Cisco held his tongue. There was zero chance that Caitlin would be rejected from any university, and, to be frank, there was nothing her mother’s money couldn’t buy. She was a shoo in, has been since Freshman year to all the good schools. And even if she weren't a phenomenal student, legacy alone would admit Caitlin into every college her mother’s research was affiliated with.

  
  
He thought about Tess Morgan, and echoed her sentiment. “Isn’t it a little early?”

  
  
Caitlin looked out at the water again.

 

He wondered if her mother was pressuring her. He wouldn't be surprised, school was ramping up soon and with that came a tremendous amount of stress after years of all talk. Maybe Dr. T had finally laid down the law, and it was daunting. Cisco assumed it would be, considering the pressure he put on himself, and he didn't even have anyone counting on him to make it. At least, not until he met the Wells family, and their encouragement had never been coercive. Maybe _coercive_ wasn't the right word. Caitlin's mom was...Intense.

  
  
“...Is this about Star Labs? Because I can put in a good word about you with Dr. Wells or help you find—“

  
  
He watched Caitlin’s face fall, rushing to deny it. “No, no no. It’s not that. I promise. I don’t mind. You don’t have to do that. I just—I left such a mess.”

  
  
Cisco reflected on the past year. She was not wrong. But it was not all her fault.

  
  
She gave him a sad smile, “I just wish things didn’t have to change.”

 

  
Cisco frowned, sensing she was talking about something a little beyond high school. “They don’t. You’re my forever, Caitlin. Nothing has to change, I’m right here.”

  
  
She blinked back tears, shrugging. “I just miss...” she went to her locket. The one she’s never taken off since the funeral. The one with his picture in it, hiding under her dad’s.

  
  
His face softened as it clicked. He should've known.

 

He took her hand, kissing it softly.

  
  
“I know.”

  
  
~.~

 

Cisco had a Pop-Tart hanging out of his mouth as he dumped all of his things into his old school bag. He ran a brush through his hair a few times, threw on a light jean jacket, and slung the bag over his shoulder. He bit off another gooey piece before banging on the bathroom door.

 

 _“Dante, dios!”_ he shouted over the loud rush of water. He’s been in there for half an hour already.

 

“The bathroom! I have to go!”

 

His mom’s voice called from downstairs. _“_ _Deja entrar a tu hermano!”_

 

He rattled on the doorknob, but it was locked. He swore under his breath again, checking his watch. _“Dude!”_

 

“Bro, calm down, what the fuck,” Dante groused, unlocking the door with a towel around his waist. The steam went billowing out and Cisco almost choked on the intensity of the deodorant spray.

 

He pushed past Dante, muttering, going for his toothbrush. He paused before sticking it in his mouth with the toothpaste. “Aren’t you late? Don’t you have an 8:30 class?”

 

His brother rolled his eyes. “Chill. I’m skipping.”

 

Cisco’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head, spitting into the sink.

 

“You’re _skipping?”_

 

Dante rolled his eyes. “Oh my god, you’re such a nerd. It’s not like high school, dumbass. Everyone skips class in college.”

 

“Is it recorded?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do you have friends in your class to take notes from?”

 

“No.”

 

“Are you going to work on another class instead?”

 

“No. I’m going to watch Netflix then probably take another nap before practice with the band.”

 

Cisco ran his hand through his nicely done hair. “Dante, I don’t understand you.”

 

Dante walked across the hall to their shared room, pulling on clothes.

 

“Don’t worry about it. Have a nice day at school. Kiss all the teacher’s asses for me.”

 

Cisco pulled himself together, breathing in deeply, reminding himself that he loved his brother and wasn’t allowed to smack him while he glared.

 

“Can I use your car?” he gritted between his teeth as Dante shuffled his hair some, ruining it altogether.

 

Dante waved him off. “I don’t use that crap anymore. It might as well be yours.”

 

He was already texting Caitlin that he was coming to pick her up, his eyes glued to his phone as he walked out the front door when his mother pulled him back by the strap of his backpack.

 

She kissed both his cheeks, pushing a sandwich into his hands. “Don’t break that attendance record. Give Caitlin a kiss for me.”

 

“Si,” he replied, waving goodbye at his little sister shrieking his name before he jogged down the apartment steps, not bothering to wait for the elevator.

 

Why’d his place always have to be so _hectic?_

  
  
~.~

 

Caitlin kissed him after she slammed the car door close, buckling in her seatbelt, grumbling under her breath.

 

"Mom troubles?" 

 

"Just drive." 

 

Cisco looked in the rearview mirror as he put the Toyota in reverse.

 

It was windy in a nice crisp September morning way, and Caitlin rolled down the window. 

 

“You look cute,” he said as he drove off her estate.

 

Caitlin shrugged, “I wear a blazer every first day. It’s tradition.”

 

“I’ve noticed.”

 

It fell quiet. Caitlin wasn’t much of a morning person, and it was the first day of the scariest school year they’d face yet. There was too much going on in their minds for riveting conversations.

 

Cisco took a swig of water at a red light ten minutes later, stuck in the morning rush hour. He swished it in his mouth then swallowed.

 

“So I was thinking—”

 

“I was wondering—”

 

  
They both stopped.

 

“You go first,” Caitlin said.

 

“I was thinking that maybe you should talk to Barry before the bell. Just to get a fresh start. I can come with you.”

 

Caitlin curled her fingers around her designer bag, some big brand fashion company with lots of consonants like X and Z’s that Cisco could never remember.

 

“I don’t want to."

 

Cisco frowned. “But why? Barry isn’t mad at you, Caitlin. He just wants you to come back. He’s our best friend.”

 

She put her hand on his arm.

 

  
“ _You’re_ my best friend. You’re the only one I need.”

 

  
“So what, I’m stuck in the middle now? Homeroom to lunch with Barry, fourth period to final bell with you? How is that fair?”

 

“Actually,” she said. “I was thinking maybe we don’t make that big of a deal of it? Like, do people even need to know that we’re together again? Look what happened last time.”

 

Cisco narrowed his eyes. He didn’t like where this was going. “Caitlin. Everybody loves you. Nobody really loves me. This has already been established after what happened in April. Why does it matter anymore?”

 

She hesitated, tapping her fingers against the arm rest, leaning her head against the window. “I don’t want you to be a target again.”

 

“I don’t care,” Cisco said. “It’s just high school crap. I’m hoping we all got it out of our systems junior year. I haven’t kissed you in the hallway for how many months?”

 

Caitlin smiled down at her lap. “Six.”

 

Cisco made a disgruntled noise. “Six and a half, actually, but who’s counting?”

 

“Not me,” she lied.

 

They shared a glance.

 

“That’s too long. I’m not letting shitty people with nothing better to do stop me and neither should you.”

 

“Okay.”

 

She leaned over and kissed him quickly, then told him the light was green.

 

~.~

 

They had four classes together, but not homeroom, so Caitlin and Cisco split ways early on in the morning.

 

The bell rang, and Professor Stein cleared his throat.

 

“Welcome students to a bright academic year ahead!”

 

The class groaned, and Cisco shared an amused glance with Iris.

 

She leaned in, “Why does he say that every year?”

 

Cisco grimaced. “Fourth time’s the charm?”

 

Professor Stein told everyone to settle down as he took attendance, handed out the dozens of photocopied papers that needed their parents’ signatures and read the announcements. Soon enough, the bell rang, and they all got up to get to their first classes of the day.

 

Iris strapped her messenger bag over her shoulder. She wasn’t in the science stream, so this would be their only time together until humanities and AP English, which they didn’t have today.  

 

“See you at lunch?”

 

“Yeah,” he said, then thought of something. “Can you keep an eye out for Caitlin? I’m just—Not sure what she’s thinking she’s going to do.”

 

“You mean with Lexi.”

 

He quirked an eyebrow. Students were starting to come in, so Cisco hurried out, grabbing Iris by the hand as the hallways started to flood. “You don’t like her either.”

 

Iris laughed callously, and they walked to their lockers. “ _Hell_ no.”

 

“Oh thank god,” he breathed, trying to keep up with her quick pace. “I just don’t understand why she won't try to fix things. You haven’t said anything to her, have you? You two aren't fighting?”

Cisco watched Iris hang her coat up. “No,” she said. “Fighting? We're not even talking. Don’t get me wrong. I was pissed last year. What she did was awful.”

 

He felt the need to defend her, when he knew he probably shouldn’t. Iris must’ve saw the look on his face and rolled her eyes.

 

“No need to get all Caitlin Snow protection squad on me. I don’t hold grudges like that. I came to the funeral, didn’t I?”

 

Patty and Linda showed up, tugging Iris away. “Hey, gotta jet, but I’ll try, okay? I’ll do some digging for you. Shawna’s pretty easy to squeeze.”

 

Cisco wanted to thank her, but she was too far gone, giggling with her friends.

 

He sighed, standing in the middle of the hall. Without even a second longer to breathe, Jake Puckett barged into him. “ _Watch it,_  mosquito.”

 

“We’re back to that, Jake? Really?” Cisco yelled after him, still getting jostled as the crowd of students thickened in the tight corridor. 

 

Puckett continued his taunting. “You look like a girl. Why don’t you get a haircut?”

 

“Maybe my girl likes it long dipshit,” he shot back. “Not like you’d know what that’s like.”

 

That sent Cisco flying into the lockers.

 

“I deserved that one,” he muttered to himself, trying not to wince at the way the metal hinges dug into his back. He dropped his folder when he hit the wall, his green permission slips about emergency contact information and school behavioural contracts now getting stepped on by careless idiots he called classmates.

 

He darted between people in the crowd to get them back, annoyed that nobody cared to help him. Then, annoyed that he expected this shit to change now that he was a senior in the first place.

 

 _Just one more year. One more year_ , Cisco uttered under his breath like a mantra, falling into his ethics class’ front row seat just on time.

 

Their teacher started sprouting some stupid idea about going around and introducing themselves, as if everybody hasn’t already known each other since elementary.

 

“Hi? Um, my name is Brie Larvan. And I want to be a beekeeper.”

 

Cisco rubbed his temples, his mantra intensified.

 

~.~

 

By lunch, Cisco was waiting by Caitlin’s locker.

 

He saw her walk out of history with Lexi and Shawna. She paused at seeing him, her eyes going a little wide.

 

“Cisco, what are you doing?” she said, looking nervously at Lexi and Shawna, who had their arms crossed with identical bitch faces.

 

“Lunch?”

 

“Like, disappear mosquito. She doesn’t want lunch with you.”

 

Caitlin frowned, opening her locker. She put a new textbook into a top shelf and grabbed her lunch box. “We don't call my boyfriend that. Yes, I do want lunch with him.”

 

She took Cisco’s hand, and he rose an eyebrow at Shawna, a smidge too smug.

 

“Sorry ladies, later.”

 

"Your _boyfriend?"_   Shawna repeated, jaw dropping open. 

 

Lexi gasped. _“Caity!”_

 

He felt her tension just by the way she held his hand. “I’ll see you in class, I’m still sitting next to you in art, just like we promised, right?”

 

Lexi’s smile looked a little off kilter. “Of course. Right. See you there, then. Have fun with...Cisco.”

 

Cisco, who had been trying to look anywhere but Lexi, eventually met her gaze. 

 

She gave him a look, sucking lipstick off her teeth. It sent a chill down his spine, and he had forgotten (really, no, he hasn't, he really hasn't) how much he hated her. 

 

She arched an eyebrow high in the air, like she was challenging him to acknowledge her. But Cisco didn't play her games. 

 

He pulled Caitlin away, lacing their fingers together. 

 

~.~

 

Cisco let Caitlin drag him far from Barry’s table without putting up a fight. In fact, they weren’t even eating in the cafeteria. They sat in the courtyard, watching the soccer team tryouts as Caitlin opened her packed box from her chef.

 

It was a nice day. Caitlin really did look gorgeous in her burgundy blazer and pleated skirt. It suited her, that classy uniform chic, and for the first time a thought occurred to him that struck odd. Caitlin belonged in a private school. One with 4.0 cut-offs, loads of legacy families, and a hundred thousand dollars for tuition. Dr. T letting her daughter stay in Central City to go to public school was a bit weird. She didn’t really belong here.

 

Cisco picked at dandelions as they talked, wondering why the grass was so unkept.

 

About twenty minutes in, Caitlin gave him a sly look.

 

Cisco looked up from his lunch, knowing that expression all too well. “If you’re going to kiss me, please let me finish my chicken first or else I never will, and I’m really hungry.”

 

She ignored him completely, prying the plastic container out of his hands. “Hey missy, I said I wasn’t— _Mmmph!”_

 

He missed this. He missed her. This Caitlin. His Caitlin.

 

It was like all the darkness swarming underneath her surface dissipated, and her true light was shining through.

 

He laughed as she climbed into his lap to kiss him more. They could get demerit points for this, and that heightened the sense of thrill. If they got caught it would be so worth it.

 

A shrill whistle pierced through the air and the two sprang apart. There was a foul on the soccer field.

 

“Still hungry?” she smirked with mirth, wiping the rest of her smudged lip gloss off.  

 

He played with her silvery hair. “Um, yes,” he flirted, catching Caitlin’s heated gaze. “Famished.”

 

“Good thing I’m here then,” she murmured.

 

“Yes,” he agreed, inching closer. “Very good,” and slipped his tongue in her mouth.

 

They made out until the bell.

 

~.~  

 

Outside was beautiful and peaceful. Cisco started to understand why Caitlin brought him out there.

 

“Oh my god, Caitlin! Over here!” Lisa shouted at the door, gesturing wildly at her to come back into the side entrance of school. “Hi Cisco!”

  
“Hey Lisa.”

 

Lisa Snart. She was something else, that one. Cute, in a dumb like a rock kind of way.

 

Maybe that was mean.

 

Lexi appeared over Lisa’s shoulder. _"_ _Come on,_ Caitlin! We’re going to be late!”

 

He got up with a sigh, and gave his girlfriend a hand. She took it, hers slender and soft in his, and didn’t let go.

 

They began walking towards Caitlin’s new posse.

 

“Why are they so possessive? It’s unnerving,” he couldn’t help but blurt out.

 

“It’s not me. It’s _you_. They think—”

 

“I _know_ what they think,” he snapped, cross. As did everybody, no doubt. Cisco kicked at a littered soda can. “Tell them I _didn’t_.”

 

“I tried! They won’t believe me!”

 

“Then ditch them. It’s not that hard.”

 

She turned to him sympathetically, kissing him one last time.

 

“I can’t, Cisco. They’re my friends. I like them.” She untangled their fingers.

 

“No, you don’t.”

 

“I do,” she insisted. “Stop saying things as if you’re me. _I’m_ me. If they’re my friends then I’m not lying and you have to understand that.”

 

Cisco felt properly chastened. He took a step back, quiet. “Okay.”

 

“Thank you. I’ll see you later.”

 

Lisa and Lexi took to each of Caitlin’s sides, linking their arms together. Only Lisa looked back.

 

~.~

 

“Where were you? You dipped lunch. Iris said you’d be there.”

 

It was the second to last period of the day, and it just _had_ to be gym, didn’t it?

 

Cisco ducked at the incoming fire of dodgeballs. “Yeah, sorry. Caitlin wanted to eat outside.”

 

A ball rolled to a stop beside him. He picked it up and chucked it, barely getting it past the midline.

 

The _one_ class he and Barry weren’t good at. So what.

 

“You mean she didn’t want to eat with _me_.”

 

Cisco stopped, looking around. His team was going to lose no matter what.

 

“I think she’s just really embarrassed. Give her some time.”  

 

“Time?” Barry exclaimed, nearly getting hit in the face. “It’s been almost half a year! I miss her so bad. She’s in my geography class and she sat next to _Becky Sharp_ instead of me.”

 

“Dude, watch out!”

 

“Huh?” Barry spun around in the wrong direction, and Cisco cringed as Barry got hit in the back by Woodworth, officially out.

 

Cisco followed him to the bench, not caring to even pretend he was playing anymore.

 

“What’s her deal?”

 

Cisco wrung his hands. “I don’t know. Her dad, I think. It shook her hard, and we weren’t there for her.”

 

Barry’s fingers were calming on his shoulder, unlike Dante’s, and different from Armando’s.

 

“Don’t beat yourself up about that. She pushed us away.”

 

It was easy for Barry to say that. Barry the best friend, their happy third wheel. It wasn’t the same for Cisco. Cisco, who had offered to pick Caitlin up when she fell down the slide in the first grade, who she had won the regional science fair with in grade 3, who she first told when they were ten that her dad was sick, _really sick, and I really need a hug._

 

Barry was always there and supportive and the best friend, but he had Iris. Before him came Cisco and Caitlin. They were a duo, a package deal, each other’s forever.

 

Even if she pushed him away, even if she hurt him. She never _meant_ to, just as hurt and twice as lonely.

 

“She needed me and I wasn’t there until it was too late. Now she doesn’t know who to trust.”

 

Barry reached for his water bottle, taking a long sip.

 

“So she trusts LaRoche? She knows what she did to you, doesn’t she?”

 

It was humiliating just thinking about it.

 

Cisco shook his head. “She only knows that I tutored her for the SATs.”

 

Three thumps on the back was what it took for Barry to stop coughing, spluttering water everywhere.

 

“You _need_ to tell Caitlin. ”

 

“ _No._ Drop it. And don’t tell Iris either.”

 

“But—”

 

Coach Adam’s bullhorn blew sharply, interrupting them both.

 

“— _Allen!_ Back on the court! Don’t make me give you another C!”

 

~.~

 

The last class of the day was math with Professor Stein. Cisco had it with Caitlin, and they sat in the front row, scribbling notes furiously to keep up with their teacher’s enthusiastic ramblings. When the final bell rang, Professor Stein called them both to stay behind.

 

“I’ve got something for my 4.0 lovebirds.”

 

He leaned behind his desk for two thick envelopes and deposited one in each one's hands.

 

Caitlin tore hers open quickly, curiosity getting to the best of her. A stack of viewbooks from prestigious schools were freshly pressed, smelling like new paper.

 

“Straight from the guidance counsellor's office. They’re not yet out on rotation, you see, but I figured my overachieving students wanted a first peak.”

 

“Oh wow,” Caitlin replied, already looking into the Harvard one. “These have the updated statistics.”

 

“Of course, my dear.”

 

Cisco leafed through the schools in his selection, pausing at MIT, eyes lingering on rolling green hills of its campus.

 

Professor Stein pointed at Cisco. “And how was your internship at Star Labs?”

 

“The greatest. They want me to continue twice after school.”

 

“Really now? That’s quite remarkable.”

 

“Isn’t it?” Caitlin smiled, proud of him. Cisco blushed. “I told him so.”

 

There was a knock at the door, and Shawna appeared. “Caitlin we need you right now. It’s an emergency.”

 

Caitlin looked to Cisco.

 

“I thought I was driving you home. We could look at these together.”

 

“We really need you, Caity. Becky’s crying. I can drive you home.”

 

“Tomorrow,” Caitlin promised, squeezing his shoulder, then thanked Professor Stein again for the viewbooks.

 

Cisco tugged on her blazer for a goodbye kiss, reluctant to let her go. She leaned in, her fingers delicate on his face, smiling against his lips.

 

Shawna stomped a little, rolling her eyes, “Can we _go?_ ”

 

“One minute,” Caitlin said, looking into his eyes. “We’ll go over our favourite schools tomorrow?”

 

He raised an eyebrow, the corners of his mouth quirking upwards. “It’s a date.”

 

She grabbed her bag and the envelope, then followed Shawna out the door.

 

Cisco watched Caitlin scurry after Shawna, who was stomping away in her spiked combat boots.

 

“I’m glad that whatever squabble you two had seems to be put behind you.”

 

Cisco turned to their teacher, unashamed that he witnessed him smitten. 

 

“Me too.”

 

Professor Stein had always been perceptive and easily approachable. Cisco had gone to him in times of trouble in the past four years plenty.

 

Cisco sat on a desk as Professor Stein tidied up, reflecting. “Sir, how do you help someone through grief?”

 

His teacher took off his glasses, cleaning them with the edge of his shirt before he responded. “This is about the passing of Dr. Snow?”

 

Everyone knew. He supposed they had to, not only because Caitlin’s dad had been an active donor and contributor to the restructuring of Central City High’s science stream, but because Cisco guessed it was required for her teachers to take special attention.

 

“She’s just not the same.”

 

“She won’t be,” he advised, firm yet gentle. “She lost one of the most important figures in her life.”

 

The only figure, Cisco thought bitterly, thinking about Dr. T’s suspicious absence in Caitlin’s life. It always made him scratch his head, how two people who lived in the same house could avoid and ignore each other for so long.

 

If Cisco could avoid Dante, he would.

 

Maybe it was a matter of the size of the house.

 

“I want to be there for her, but sometimes I feel like she’s pushing me away. Do I give her that space? Should I be persistent? Love is hard,” Cisco groaned after his monologue, flopping against the row of desks as if he were in a therapist’s office, not his math class. His teacher chuckled at him.

 

“Ah, but is your affection for Miss Snow difficult to muster? It takes effort for you to demonstrate your care?”

 

“No,” Cisco protested. “No, that’s easy.”

 

Professor Stein tapped on his shoes, asking him to get them off the desks. 

 

Cisco's legs swung over the side obediently, and he sat back up.

 

Professor Stein tilted his head, and Cisco was alarmed to realize how his favourite teacher’s hair was beginning to grey. Maybe that’s what made him stand out. After teaching as a professor and publishing his books, he came back to a _high school_ to teach kids because he _cared_ about them. Cisco didn't think he could do that. Lily was really lucky to have him as a dad. 

 

“I know you love her Mr. Ramon. Patience is virtue. You’re astute for a young man of your age. Show her that love the best you can.”

 

That sounded about right.

 

“Yessir.”

 

“Now go home, enjoy those viewbooks.”

 

Cisco tucked the envelope under his arm, and took his advice.

 

~.~

 

Cisco was leafing through the glossy pages of Duke’s viewbook at the kitchen table, trying to concentrate through the constant keyboard banging leaking through the adjacent wall. He wasn’t allowed to ask Dante to be quiet, not even when he had to study and it was one of his pet peeves.

 

 _Don’t disturb him,_ Mama would always say, but his keyboard had an ear jack? Cisco had bought Dante a good quality headset a year and a half ago, thinking it would be a great gift to them both. Dante didn’t use them, Cisco bet the wrapping was still on the box, buried somewhere in their closet considering he’s never seen them and it’s not like their room was very big. So who was the one really being unnecessarily disturbed? How their neighbours haven't come pounding on their front door yet begging for silence was a mystery to him. 

 

He was just getting into the gritty details of the application requirements when Rosita peered up at him on her tiptoes. Her ten little fingers gripped the table, eyes barely making it past the edge as she pushed herself up to see what Cisco was looking at.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Leyendo,” he said absentmindedly, showing her the bright graphs. She didn’t reply, and he looked down, how she had zero reaction, then forgot she was still fuzzy on verbs. Forgot that she couldn’t even read yet.

 

“Reading,” he translated. “For college. See? This is in North Carolina.”

 

“You’re leaving?” her voice wobbles, thick with hurt. “Like ‘Mando?”

 

Armando’s been gone at Cleveland State for two years, majoring in business. Cisco’s surprised sometimes that Ro even remembers their oldest brother.

 

“Not right away. But next year, yeah.”

 

Cisco didn’t see the big deal. He felt Rosita was pretty lucky, getting the apartment practically to herself. Cisco would have loved to be left alone growing up, not constantly stuck rubbing shoulders with the six people crammed into their three bedroom apartment with nowhere to breathe. But Caitlin and Barry both said growing up as an only child was lonely, wishing for siblings. Cisco wouldn’t know.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I want to go to school, like the one you’re going to start tomorrow,” he explained. He glanced down at the entrance requirements and chuckled at his own analogy. “Except this isn’t kindergarten.”

 

There was just enough room for Rosita to squeeze onto his seat. He patted the space, and she climbed up with a little _"o_ _ _of”_ _until their thighs were pressed together.

 

He read to her what was on the page just to keep her busy. It was the pictures she was interested in anyways.

 

“Where’s Mama?” he asked after a while. They had moved on from Duke to Stanford. Their dad still wasn’t home from work either, but he wouldn’t be, he usually wasn’t at this time.

 

Rosita shrugged her shoulders and Cisco rolled his eyes at himself, wondering why he expected the five year old of the house to have all the answers.

 

He slid off the chair, noticing the way she was droopy, her messy black curly hair spilling against the table as she leaned her head against it.

 

“Did you have a snack?”

 

She rolled her head from side to side with a whine. Cisco took that for a _no_.

 

He pulled out a fruit roll-up from the kitchen, ignoring Caitlin’s voice in the back of his head warning about high fructose.

 

After seeing to it that she’s good with opening the wrapper, Cisco knocked loudly on the doorframe of his and Dante’s room. “Where’s Mama?”

 

Dante kept playing, ignoring him. Cisco marched right over to the outlet and unplugged the keyboard.

 

“Hey!”

 

“Yo Beethoven. Were you supposed to be taking care of Rosita? Because I came home to her climbing the curtains, Dante.”

 

His brother waved him off, “She’s fine.”

 

“She was _hungry_.”

 

Dante glanced up at the clock on the wall.

 

“Mama went grocery shopping. We’re going to have dinner soon anyways.”

 

“Not for another few hours, I wasn’t supposed to be home this early. You can’t leave her alone like that she’s too young, and Mama expects us to watch her!”

 

Dante banged his fist against the quiet keys, and Cisco had to keep a straight face at how that looked. “Stop fucking _lecturing_ me, I’m older than you!”

 

  
“By a year,” Cisco scoffed. “Don’t go on about being 18 if you won’t even act like an adult.”

 

“Yeah, because you want to be an adult so bad, Cisco, don’t you? It’s just a number it doesn’t make you _older._ ”

 

Not for the first time, Cisco found himself missing Armando. Things were easier with Dante when he was around, how he was practical like Dante yet level-minded like himself.

 

The door slammed loud behind him, frustrated. Dante was Dante. What was he to do? At least he got his car.

 

Cisco took his stack of books to the living room, wiping off Rosita’s sticky fingerprints from off the Stanford cover and got really interested in Harvard’s crimson booklet.

 

 

By dinner, he was excited, sprouting out campus facts as his dad asked to pass the bowl of vegetables.

 

Rosita kicked her legs in her seat beside him, happily munching away on the roast beef.

 

“Dude, just. Shut up,” Dante said with his mouth full after Cisco went on a, self-admitting, spiel about Stanford’s aeronautics engineering program.

 

Cisco narrowed his eyes, defending himself. “I have to apply by November for early admissions. That's two months away. We're talking about my future here.”

 

  
His mom and dad shared a look, one Cisco couldn’t decipher. He put his fork down, sensing dread.

 

“What? I told you, my SAT scores are really high. Maybe not Harvard okay, but MIT, UPenn, I think I have a real shot.”

 

It went quiet, it was uncomfortable and Cisco felt nervous, like he was the butt of a big joke.

 

“What?”

 

“Get that Ivy League crap out of your head, we can’t afford it.”

 

His mother gasped, hitting his father’s arm.

 

Cisco looked to Dante, who had his glass paused halfway to his lips.

 

“What Papa means is we know you talk big plans with tu novia, but where will the money for that come from?”

 

The words were faint, Cisco feeling a rush in his ears as his mind began to race, trying to compute. "Mama, I don't understand.”

 

“Those schools sound very expensive, Cisco.”

 

This couldn’t be happening, he pushed his plate away, sick to his stomach.  “Two years ago you _said_ you had money put away for me.”

 

“That was _before_ Dante changed his mind about CCU music. And it was never going to be enough for what you’re talking about. We were already tight with Armando’s tuition.”

 

Dante coughed, nearly choking on the food, startled. “ _Mama_ ,” he gaped, after a giant swallow of water. _“¿Su dinero?”_

 

 _“_ He _is_ older, Cisco,” his dad replied, and it was condescending, felt cold like ice down Cisco’s back. “If you want a fancy college you’ll need a job, maybe two. You might have good grades for CC High, but for a full scholarship where everyone is smart? Be realistic, Mijo.”

 

Cisco’s eyes were stinging, blurring as the weight of their words washed over him, and he was so unprepared, so unbalanced to hear that news, it knocked him over, and now he felt like was going to drown.

 

"You don't think I'm good enough?" 

 

"That's not what we're saying," his mother corrected, "But we do believe your aspirations are out of tune." 

 

 _Out of tune._ Giving all his college money away to his ungrateful brother, permitting him to  _Netflix_ in his room under the guise of studying composition, was out of tune.

 

He stood up abruptly, not able to stomach any more.

 

“You used my money on Dante? _Dante?_ Who doesn’t even show up for school? Have I not been clear since I was _twelve_ how much I wanted this?”  

 

Rosita burst into tears at the volume of his voice, covering her ears. His mother ran to Rosita.

 

It wasn’t Rosita’s fault. It wasn’t. She was just a child. She was little, but somehow the way his mother ran to her and picked her up adoringly, soothing her whimpering was the last straw, twisting something in Cisco until it bent and snapped.

 

“You care for everyone in this house but me!”

 

_“Francisco.”_

 

“It’s true!” he cried, and maybe it wasn't, but his world was imploding, and this wasn't _his_ fault, Cisco didn't do anything to deserve this.

 

He swiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his jean jacket, furious, “You _never_ listen, you _never_ care, you don’t know anything about what I want or am going through, even when I say it. It’s all about Dante or Rosita. You didn’t even care that I was chosen for Star Labs’ internship, how big of an accomplishment that was for me. Or that Caitlin’s papa died!”

 

“You were at Star Labs?” his father questioned, sliding his glasses up his nose. “Dante did you know this?”

 

His mother tore her gaze from his sister, stunned. “Dr. Snow?”

 

Even his parents were out of tune with _each other._ _Out of tune_ , they said about him going to an Ivy, about becoming an engineer, he was still processing it, outraged. Cisco wanted to throw up. 

 

Dante spoke up. “Papa of course I knew, he wouldn’t shut up about it. He was gone every day.”

 

Dante was defending him for once, probably guilty, and he should be, Cisco thought, but that wasn't enough. 

 

He was on a roll, unable to stop yelling, “Armando got everything he wanted! Dante gets anything he asks for, no questions! _A motorcycle,_ he goes and you're all _oh, sure Dante, here you go, only pay half._  Then he says,  _Haha surprise, I want to go to college after all,_ and so you go _sure, let us deplete our youngest son's college funds!"_

 

Even Rosita quieted, staring at Cisco. "What?" she said, voice full of innocence. 

 

His face crumpled, but he refused to break in front of them. "I worked so _damn_ hard, and I get nothing?”

 

“It is not nothing,” his father scolded in Spanish. “CCU is a fine school, Francisco. You are just prejudiced. Caitlin is a fine girl, but her privilege has gone to your head.”

 

“That’s not true,” Cisco snapped back, switching languages smoothly. “This has nothing to do with Caitlin. Mama, tell him.”

 

She lowered her gaze, fussing again with Rosita’s plate, without replying. 

 

His parents’ quietness was all the confirmation Cisco needed. A dark chuckle, more like a huff from a pushed out exhale escaped him, and he shook his head.  

 

“Unbelievable,” he muttered under his breath, looking at the faces of his family. He didn’t even want to be here anymore.

 

“Well, since I got your attention,” he spat, “I was offered a placement at Star Labs for the Fall for after school. I need a parent to sign the contract with me.”

 

“¿Se paga?” _Is it paid?_  Mama said.

 

After all that. 

 

Cisco choked on his answer, already imagining what they were going to say. “No.”

 

“You’ll have to choose then, what you want more.”

 

Was this what it felt like? To see his entire future hanging by a thin, loose, unravelling thread? Cisco shouldn’t have to choose. Star Labs was his ticket out of here. Out of this mess, the one outstanding point on his application which would give him those scholarships, that admission.

 

But his parents didn't understand, and they won't.

 

And that's what was worse. It was not the lack of money, or that they gave it to Dante (even though that cut deep, and Cisco wasn't quite sure it was something he could ever forgive). He knew that they weren't wealthy, that they were four kids and still not even in a house. But they made it work for their children, set up this illusion, this fake fantasy land Cisco had been living in for years and watched him entangle himself deeply there, plant roots in it, and still never bothered to come clean and correct him.

 

They watched him grow up and fall in love with math and science—and Caitlin, and get his glowing letters from his teachers and still think the idea of him going away to one of the country's best schools was silly. Childish, like one of Rosita's make believe stories. 

 

How could they see him, see what he's willing to sacrifice, how hard he'll work, _has_ worked, and still be so confident that Cisco was wasting his time?

 

“I’m going to sleepover at Barry’s,” Cisco announced, too upset to look them in the eye. Too angry to wait and listen to their reply. To be given permission to leave. 

 

They were way past granting him _permission_ to do things anymore, in his books. 

 

Dante tried to pull him back when he passed by, uttered his name, but Cisco pushed, shoving his brother out of his path with a hard glare, poisoned with fiery pain, daring him to say another word. 

 

He didn't wait for the elevator of the building to make it to their floor, just ran down the spiralling steps, all at once, and fled.

 

~.~

 

Cisco called Caitlin but it went to voicemail. He banged his head against the steering wheel in the humid, sticky old car with the rusted paint and broken AC, keys still in the engine, motor running, stalled in the apartment parking lot, and cried loud ugly sobs.

 

~.~

 

Dr. Allen didn’t question why he had to double his pancake recipe in the morning, just ruffled Cisco’s hair and called him and Barry _sluggers_ , and for that Cisco was grateful.

 

Cisco parted ways with Barry on the Allen's front steps, after he got pulled in for a hug. "We'll look at options, okay? Jobs and stuff." Barry cracked a smile. "Maybe we can wait tables together."

 

"You'd do that for me?" Cisco, asked, pleasantly surprised. 

 

Barry nodded. "I could use some extra cash, to take Iris out and stuff. You want to walk to Iris's with me?" 

 

Cisco nodded to the Toyota. "Nah, I told Caitlin I'd pick her up this year now that I have the car. I'll see you in school."  

 

~.~

 

Cisco sat in his driver's seat, tapping his fingers against the dashboard, still dreary, exhausted, and weighed down, but, hopeful to see the one person who would be sure to make him feel better.

  
Minutes clocked by and his hope turned to worry, and he wrestled with the idea of unbuckling his seatbelt to see what was wrong.

 

Because something _was_ wrong. Caitlin was late. And she's never been late in all the years that he knew her.  

 

She was late and so he was just as relieved as surprised when Dr. T knocked on his window, after walking briskly down her house's long driveway.

 

He rolled it down, frowning. “Is Caitlin sick?”

 

“She already left with her driver,” she informed. “She made it clear that she didn’t want to see you.”

 

It was like being dunked in cold water. 

 

“What?”

 

“Get to school, Francisco.”

 

Cisco grabbed his phone in the glove compartment, about to call her, not above believing Carla Tannhauser pulling a fast one on him (she never did exactly like him, but this would've been cruel) when the text came through.

 

### ❤ Caitlin ❤ : _We're breaking up._


	3. The Clique

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So what,” Cisco said after awkward silence. “We’re just not even going to talk anymore? Caitlin, what the hell?”

Caitlin couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe, she wasn’t even sure she could manage to blink, frozen numb. Her fingertips were white against her binder, gripping tightly to her notes as if it were her last strand of sanity.

 

She couldn’t do it. Not by herself, not when her hands were trembling and she was refusing to believe the truth, and she had to do it to protect him, and she had to stay where she was, walk the halls, wear her mascara, as if it won’t soon streak down her face—when all she wanted was to go back to yesterday and do it all over.

 

She fumbled with her cardigan, still shaking as she hung it on the hook, the school still too warm to wear anything but short sleeves. And when careful hands were on her back, spinning her around, her heart caught in her throat.

 

Cisco grabbed her hands, searching her face, his eyes were red-rimmed, and he had bags under them, a deep frown etched over, and _she_ did that, she put it there.

 

“Caitlin, what’s happening, I don’t understand, why did you send me that text?”

 

Caitlin swallowed the lump in her throat, parting her mouth, but it was like her voice box had been ripped out, and she was helpless but to watch him stare at her, desperate for answers.

 

“Sweetheart,” he said softer, tone inflecting, and she flinched as he shook their joint hands. “Talk to me, please. It’s okay that you’re scared about something but please don’t push me away, I’m here.”

 

She tore away her gaze, feeling hollow inside, scooped out with nothing left for her to offer him. “These past two weeks—“

 

“—Were amazing—“

 

“—Were a _mistake_.”

 

He dropped her hands, horrified. “What?”

 

She couldn’t even recognize her own voice, when she continued, dull and stone faced. “They were a mistake. It never should have happened. We’re not a good fit, and should stay apart. I don’t like you the way I thought I did anymore.”

 

“ _Like_?” he choked out, tears rimming under his big eyes. “You _love_ me. I love _you_ , since before I even knew what it was.”

 

She shook her head. “No. I’m done.”

 

Cisco’s hand went to his mouth, like he was trying to hide the sickness he felt. And Caitlin had to take her bag and walk away from him, leave him alone in the hallway to go to homeroom, so she did, forcing her feet to shuffle away, legs heavy like lead.

 

Mrs. DeVoe called attendance, and it was like every eye was on her, fear crawling up her skin. Caitlin stared down at her desk, waiting for her name to be called when Becky Sharpe sat down next to her.

 

“Hi, Caitlin,” she said cautiously. “Thanks for coming to see me but I was fine, just my usual, bad luck, you know.”

 

Becky had a bandaid over her nose, and Caitlin wanted to point out that it would do nothing for the break or to reduce bruising, but decided not to.

 

“The meeting wasn’t about you,” Caitlin said, flat. “It was about me. I broke up with Cisco.”

 

Becky’s eyes widened. She missed what followed, the aftermath, having had left early to be driven by her grandmother to the emergency room.

 

“Why?!”

 

“Because I had to.”

 

She squeezed her eyes shut, nauseous, and only opened them to raise her hand when Mrs. DeVoe finally called out her name.

  
“But you told me he loves you,” Becky whispered when call was over. “Why would you give that up?”

 

Hearing those words brought bile to Caitlin’s throat, and, suddenly, like a tidal wave, Caitlin was hit with terror over what she’d done. She scrambled from her seat, half grabbing her bag as she bolted, leaving her binder behind.

 

Her teacher yelled after her to demand where she was going, and the chattering classroom hushed over, craning their heads in unison to stare.

 

But she didn’t care, couldn’t care, wouldn’t care.

 

She nearly tripped in her shoes, and crashed violently when she cut a corner, her shoulder jabbing harshly against an edge as she sprinted to the ladies washroom. She threw her expensive bag onto the dirty floor when she got there, things smashing inside, and put her hands in her silver streaked hair, trying to _breathe_. She stared at her reflection in the badly washed mirror, and couldn’t recognize herself. The black on her eyelids, over her nails clashing terribly with her yellow summer dress.

 

How could she be so stupid? How could she think she could do both, one foot in each circle, like she could be the middle of a venn diagram. And why was she there in the first place? Why did she ever choose to ever think for one minute anything less than she knew was true?

  
Her mind was all over the place, not even able to hold onto a single train of thought. And then she couldn’t even do that, couldn’t even stand up anymore, shaking in this pathetic bathroom badly in need of renovations. Her chest was heaving and she tried to calm down, clutching her locket but broke down into sobs instead. Her back went sliding down one of the doors of the stalls.

 

This was it. There was nothing left. Nobody left. And everything is her fault. She was alone now. Utterly alone. No Daddy, no mom, not really, no Barry or Cisco. That’s gone forever. Broken, worse than last April, far worse, because she looked into his eyes and told him nasty lies, tore his heart in two, stomped on it and just walked away instead. And how could he ever love her again?

 

Who does she turn to now? And who would even care?

 

Only Lexi and her minions, and maybe Becky Sharpe, who was nice enough to hand her a kleenex when she needed one yesterday, but for all intents and purposes, didn’t really know her.

 

And, Lexi’s confession yesterday shook her. Caitlin threw up when she heard it, the fear in Lexi’s voice, and she knew that girl was defensive but she never knew why, didn’t understand why. And—She didn’t want to believe it, she really couldn’t dare, but what was Caitlin supposed to say, in the light of a second accusation? To let someone pour their heart out over their trauma and just brush it off like Lexi wasn’t sobbing when she’d told her what happened last Spring.

 

And so maybe she were the true loser here after all. And maybe she was blind to what everyone else saw, what the whole school warned her of last year that she turned her head from until she listened, and maybe letting Cisco back into her heart was weaknesses, or a desperate attempt to hold onto her innocence, before everything once dear to her was poisoned forever.

 

And she—She knew deep down this wasn’t right. That there was something wrong, but she didn’t know who to believe anymore, who to trust, but Cisco, liar or not, cheater or not, her boyfriend or not, was still _Cisco_ and so she’d do anything she could to keep him safe.

 

And she wasn’t safe for him, she was the opposite.  Caitlin wasn’t about to risk that, to put his _everything_ on the line. So she had to give her phone to Lexi, and let her type in the words in the cafeteria before school started as the girls ate breakfast, after Lexi carefully asked why she hadn’t done it yet.

 

And when Caitlin said because she _couldn’t,_ desperate to cling to the one good thing she had left, Lexi asked for her phone _to protect you Caitlin, come on, we have to look out for each other. It’ll hurt today, but make you stronger. We can get through this together._ Caitlin’s lip trembled, but she forced herself not to feel, not to look, unlocking her passcode, which wasn’t Cisco’s birthday anymore, because she changed that last May, and she buried her head in her arms on the table and stared at the graffiti scribbled there until Lexi said _done._  

 

Caitlin had taken her phone back, after that. Slid it into her pocket, put it on airplane mode and refused to see what came after.

 

Footsteps drew nearer down the hall then stopped. Caitlin looked up miserably when the door creaked open, bracing herself for whoever was about to see her in such a state.  

 

It was Iris, and she stopped abruptly, her hand paused over the front zipper of her messenger bag, taking in the scene.

 

“Caitlin?” Iris hurried to her side, crouching down in her cute flats. “What’s wrong?”

 

Caitlin sobbed again, couldn’t help it, because she missed her but she missed Cisco too and how could she miss someone after screwing up her entire future with them?

 

“We broke up,” she gasped, burying her head in her hands. “We’re even now.”

 

“Oh my god, what?” Iris exclaimed, pulling her up. “Why?”

 

Caitlin’s mouth thinned in a straight line, and she pawed at the paper towel dispenser, trying to clean her face.

 

Iris went digging back into her bag, retrieving a makeup wipe.

 

Caitlin took it gingerly.

 

“Why won’t you talk to me anymore? Or to Barry?”

 

Caitlin ran the cold tap, and stuck the towel over her eyes, water dripping down her arms, as she took a shuddery breath.

 

She couldn’t tell Iris anything, Iris who was now the girlfriend of Barry, the best friend of Cisco.

 

The warning bell rang. Iris picked up Caitlin’s abandoned purse.

 

Caitlin reached for it, but Iris held it back.

 

“Look,” Iris said. “If this is about Lexi—“

 

“It’s not!”

 

“If this is about Lexi,” Iris continued, unafraid of being snapped at. “You should know she’s not the kind of person you are. She’s superficial, Caitlin, she’s all about playing games. It doesn’t matter how much she says she likes you, she’s the only person who wins.”

 

“This isn’t a game!” Caitlin wailed, the paper towel still damp over her forehead. She wished it were simple as that. That she could quit and put away a board into a cardboard box, and get back to real life, the one where she weren’t losing. “You don’t understand anything!”

 

Iris grabbed Caitlin’s wrist, jerking her hold on the paper down so she’d no longer hide her face. Caitlin startled, looking up at Iris staring sharply at her, eyes falling to her grip. “I don’t understand because you won’t _tell_ us.”

 

Caitlin recoiled, yanking her hand back. “Stop pretending to care.”

 

She stalked out of the bathroom, breathing in shakily, telling herself to _suck it up,_ and rushed to her first period class.

 

She walked into the science lab, trying to tell herself to calm down. It was chemistry. She was good at chemistry. And it was the first class of the semester, so most likely they’d review something really basic, like ionic compounds. She’d handle it. She’d totally be able to make it fine.

 

She’d be okay.

 

Caitlin kept repeating this in her head over and over until she half believed it, no longer on the edge of another panic attack.

 

She lined up against the wall with the rest of the class along the radiator, her classmates chattering as the teacher finally called them to attention.

 

“So,” Ms. McGee began. “As you can see this is the chemistry lab and we only have twenty five stations. This means every student will be assigned a partner for the remainder of the year. You will share equipment, perform experiments, write lab reports as well as complete two semester projects with your partner.”

 

Someone rose their hand. “Can we choose our partners?”

 

“No, it’s alphabetical order. Now let me do attendance. As your names are called I will direct you to the assigned work station.”

 

Caitlin was suddenly more alert, something going off at the back of her mind. She peered around at her classmates, looking for Becky, Lily or Ronnie, already calculating that she’d be paired with one of them.

 

The second half of the alphabet was prattled off. “Ronald Raymond?” The teacher looked at the remaining students, and Caitlin stepped back, shocked. Ronnie had never missed a day of school, rivalling Cisco for perfect attendance.

 

“Hmm,” their teacher said. “Well, he’s absent so Mr. Ramon, why don’t you take station sixteen instead?”

 

“Becky Sharpe, table two with the student teacher. We’d like to prevent further incidents, yes?”

 

Caitlin’s eyes grew with horror, at what that meant. “Miss Snow, you can go join Mr. Ramon.”

 

“What?” Caitlin blurted out, and the entire class went quiet, staring at her.

 

Cisco stopped tying his lab apron, looking up at Caitlin, weary, like he went through the longest day and they’ve barely started first period.

 

“Will that be a problem?” Ms. McGee prodded.

 

“Can’t I work with Becky?” she pleaded, shooting a glance at Becky, who had already somehow managed to spill three separate beakers, giggling nervously as the student teacher watched her like a hawk. Caitlin cringed. Her nickname was definitely not uncalled for.

 

“Miss Snow, I assigned you to table sixteen. I expect you to go there.”

 

Cisco remained quiet, and Caitlin felt stuck in her spot, glued to the floor.

 

“Miss Snow? Today please.” She looked back at her clipboard. “Lily Stein, table seventeen…”

 

Caitlin forced herself to shuffle her feet forward and sat at the stool. She dropped her bag to the floor and stared at the table blankly.

 

“Caitlin?” Cisco whispered. He put a hand to her shoulder, and Caitlin watched his hand there, just casually resting on her skin, like it belonged there.

 

It did.

 

It didn’t.

 

“This is just a class,” she forced out. “We’ll do our labs and that’s it, okay?”

 

_“Caitlin.”_

 

She looked up sharply, tears welling again in her eyes. _“That’s it,_ okay?”

 

He held out her lab apron and she took it because she had to, then tied her hair up in a ponytail.

 

“So what,” Cisco said after awkward silence. “We’re just not even going to talk anymore? What the hell?”

 

They were going to do a simple experiment, testing out the equipment by boiling water with bunsen burners. Caitlin tried not to yawn, she’d been using bunsen burners since elementary school. She thought this was AP Chem.  

 

“Oh the silent treatment,” Cisco noted when she didn’t reply, chuckling to himself as he turned on the bio-sink tap. “My baby sister knows that game very well.”

 

Caitlin took out her pencil case and dumped its contents out on the table, her lucky eraser falling out onto the floor, having shaken the bag a little too forcefully.

 

Cisco got it for her, placing it in front of her on the table. “You look very pretty today,” he said, and his hair rustled a bit underneath the band of his goggles. He blew at it, pulling his curtain of hair out of his face. “You always do.”

 

Caitlin furrowed her brows, digging her lead pencil into the paper, answering question one about required materials to perform the experiment in full sentences instead of the suggested point form.

 

“You should really tie your hair up. It’s a lab hazard.”

 

Cisco frowned. Caitlin returned to the worksheet.

 

Cisco plugged in the burner, and placed the beaker of water onto the platform, drumming his fingers against the desk as the gas flame ignited.

 

The water was just starting to boil when he took her hand. “Caitlin, what did I do? Did I hurt you? Because yesterday at lunch, it was like you could barely keep your hands off me, we were so happy, and I don’t understand what’s happened since.”

 

Did he hurt her? Does she even know who he is anymore? Does she really believe what Lexi said? What Cisco _did?_

 

It didn’t matter, she decided. In order for this to work, she had to act like he did.

 

She stared at his hand over hers. Soft, and gentle and she pulled it away, unable to believe she couldn’t have him anymore.

 

“I can’t—” she choked, her stool screeching back as she grabbed the handle of her bag and made a run for it yet again, throwing her apron onto the floor of the lab and bursting out the door, sprinting down the hallway.

 

She didn’t go to the bathroom this time, just kept going, turning corners until she made her way out the back door, ending up in the field.

 

She didn’t want to be here. She couldn’t be here. Not in chemistry class, not in the hallways, not even in that school. Her hands went to her face, but bumped against the hard plastic of the safety goggles, and she yanked them off. She took out her phone, wanting to dial her driver to pick her up, but hesitated.

 

Her driver would tell her mom she skipped school.

 

So she went to the App Store and downloaded Uber.

 

She dug through her bag for her debit card, realizing she forgot her binder in her homeroom class, and her compact mirror had smashed, shards littered at the bottom. She dug out the card from her wallet, walking distractedly to the bleachers as she organized her contact information, setting up her account and plugging in her payment method.

 

There weren’t any rides nearby, the closest car a good sixteen minutes away. She sighed, and raked her hand through her hair. The field was all but empty, a small gym class doing laps around the perimeter. She didn’t think she’d get caught, that people would find her here, but she wouldn’t know. Didn’t know what happened to runaways. She had always followed the rules. She had always done everything right, academically, anyways.

She’d get a detention. Or, her eyes widened, a suspension. A call home. Oh god, she was going to get yelled at. But it was too late to go back. Forget chemistry class, she wasn’t sure she’d even be able to show her face there again, her cheeks going red with downright mortification. She had _talked back_ to Mrs. McGee, the teacher who she was eyeing on writing her letters of recommendation for _Harvard._

 

She could only hope Cisco didn’t get excused to come find her, because she really ran out of words left to say.

 

Caitlin fidgeted, rubbing her exposed legs and missing her sweater left in her locker, wishing the minutes to go faster, staring at the icon of the blue mazda coming to pick her up from this hellsite so she could go home.

 

She didn’t notice the person walking up the silver steps of the bleachers from the other end, though she should’ve, the aluminum creaky, going taunt underneath her feet at the weight of another body making their way down her row.

 

“Hey, Caitlin.”

 

She squinted up at Eddie Thawne, the sunlight filtering through his blond hair, smiling down at her with his boyish charm. He threw his Adidas sports bag beside her and made himself comfortable, their knees grazed for a moment, Eddie casually leaning his elbows back on the bleacher behind them, stretching out his legs.

 

“You have free period now, too?”

 

Caitlin lied and nodded, wrapping her arms around herself. “Hi.”

 

They sat in silence for a minute, watching Wally West outrun his entire Sophomore class out on the field.

 

“Listen, Eddie…”

 

“You did the right thing.”

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

“No, you did.”

 

Caitlin looked at him, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “But it wasn’t my place. I did it to hurt Barry, but who I really hurt was you.”

 

Eddie shook his head and rolled his eyes like it was nothing. But it wasn’t nothing because he wouldn’t look her in the eye, his foot tapping against the bleacher in a measured beat she knew was a nervous tick.

 

“I never stood a chance. My head was in the clouds, dreaming up futures with her, thinking we’d go to schools together and stuff. It was naive as hell. You saved me from a lot of trouble this year.”

 

“But you still love Iris.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Caitlin sighed and Eddie saw her shiver in her sleeveless dress. He rummaged through his bag and passed her his varsity jacket. She took it because she was freezing, slipping her arms through the giant sleeves with a murmured thanks.

  
“No sweat,” he said, giving her an appraising look. “New haircut?”

 

“You can say it.”

 

“Wasn’t gonna!”

 

“My dad hated it. Said it looked like I was--” she stopped and gave out a weak half laugh, rubbing at her own eyes, frustrating that all she could seem to do today was _cry._ “I was auditioning for the role of a space martian in an Ariana Grande music video. I didn’t even know he knew who Ariana Grande was.”

 

Eddie laughed out loud, his voice rich and friendly. “I didn’t even know that _you_ knew who she was. Everytime I see you, you’ve got your head stuck in some book.”

 

“I’m not _that_ bad.” She scrunched up her nose. “Cisco loves that stuff.”

 

Her phone vibrated, saying her ride was 5 minutes away.

 

“How are things with Cisco?”

 

And she had forgot, for a moment, why she was out here skipping class for the first time, skipping school without an early dismissal.

  
She looked away, staring at the green grass. “We’re not together anymore.”

 

“That’s too bad. You two were pretty solid.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Hey, I always knew Ronnie Raymond had a thing for you.”

 

Caitlin’s eyes widened. “...Uh. Yes, but—”

 

He saw her alarm and waved his hand at her, as if to say like, _chill, I’m not telling you to get married._

 

“You should think about it. We deserve a second chance, you know? Iris isn’t my future. Maybe Cisco isn’t yours.”

 

Caitlin didn’t want to believe that.

 

Caitlin’s phone beeped again, she jumped up in the sun in another boy’s jacket, eyeliner smudged under her eyes, unsure what to do.

 

“I have to go—Uh, study.”

 

She tried to school her face neutral, like she wasn’t about to walk off the school property and get into a weird car with a weird driver she won’t know, hoping she wasn’t screaming _I’m gonna ditch school for the first time right now because as you can clearly  see, even if you are too nice to comment on it, I am an emotional_ wreck.

 

“...On the second day of school?”

 

“...Yeah,” she replied lamely.

 

She begun to shrug off Eddie’s jacket, but he waved her off again.

 

“Nah, keep it. We’re getting the new ones after practice today. You can give it back during another free period.”

 

“...Oh. Alright. Bye Eddie.”

 

Eddie slid on his sunglasses,  “See you later.”

 

~.~

 

Uber wasn’t so bad. Her driver was steely quiet just like her own chauffeur. It was awkward, but she supposed that was the way it ought to be.

 

Caitlin climbed the steps to her house two at a time but paused at the entryway. There was mail in Caitlin’s mailbox. Flyers and enveloppes shoved haphazardly into the black rectangle with her address number embossed in golden script. It was jarring, she wasn't used to it, as silly as that sounded. Usually, she’d come home to find everything pristine, the mail already picked up by one of the house staff, and anything delivered for her already sitting neatly on her bed.

 

She reached in and took them out of the box, sorting through them. Most of it was junk, but there were lots of bills. Some for her mother, but most of them were addressed to her father, which panged her heart. One or two international cards with stamps in the corner were in the mix, and Caitlin realized they must’ve been late condolences from business partners of Tannhauser Industries.

 

She paused when she found a blue envelope with her name on it and maneuvered her hold on all the other items under her arm. Ripping it open, she found a sunny little card which read _“I promise not to ask you how you are. Instead I’ll entertain you with gossipy conversation and weird memes.”_

 

She nudged the edge open with her thumb, and read the rest. Her eyes began to burn with tears when she recognized the handwriting she’d been lying to herself that  wouldn’t be inside.

 

_Caitlin,_

_Saw this at a Hallmark where I was passing time after dropping Rosita off at her Ballet class. I knew you’d like the tea bags after that debate we had over whether black or herbal tasted better. Also, I think you deserve a card. I’d mail you one everyday but I’ve been informed back in 8th grade by a certain someone that was obsessive._ _¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_

_I Love you &  hang in there.  We’ll do this senior year thing together and it’ll be better than last time, I promise. _

_Cisco_

 

Caitlin swallowed harshly, and sat down hard on the steps.

 

This isn’t fair.

 

Her breath caught as her fingers ran along the ink of his message but she couldn’t even look at it anymore, so she closed it, and covered her eyes with her palms. A sob slipped out, and then she couldn’t stop.

  
The front door opened, and a voice startled.  “Caitlin! What are you doing home?”

 

Caitlin looked behind her shoulder, but no words came out. Molida’s surprised, stern face softened. Caitlin’s housekeeper hurried down the steps, sitting down next to her.

 

“Miss Snow, what happened?”

 

Caitlin exhaled shakily. “I couldn’t do it anymore. So I left.”

 

Caitlin leaned into Molida’s side easily, her hair splayed against her shirt. Molida was warm and sturdy, with her arms wrapped around Caitlin. She may be the only person she had left in her corner. “Caitlin, I don’t understand. You’ve never skipped school.”

 

Caitlin looked up, meeting kind eyes and noticing the curly hair braided down her back. Molida had pen ink on her right hand, and three rings on the fingers of her left. She forgot how young she was. Only about fifteen years older than herself, and, Caitlin thought, not for the first time, that maybe her life would be better if Molida was her mother instead. She sort of was, in a way. Having started working here ten years ago. Caitlin was only seven then.

 

“I didn’t want to. But I couldn’t stay.”

 

“And why not?”

 

A car rolled leisurely down the street, and they both turned their heads to watch it pass by the gate. The sun was beating down stronger, and Caitlin no longer felt cold.

 

“I wasn’t ready to go back.  It was so bad, please don’t make me go back.”

 

“Caitlin, it’s school. You love school, and you need to--”

 

“You’re not listening to me! I said, I _can’t.”_

 

“Excuse me?” Molida gave her a long, evaluating look. “...Okay. You’ll stay home. But I have to call your mother. And then I’ll call the school to excuse your absence.”

 

Caitlin bunched the sleeves of Eddie’s jacket into her hands, biting her lip, staring down at the pavement. She didn’t deserve that kindness, not after the way she snapped at her.

 

“Caitlin, I just want to help you.”

 

There was no way. Absolutely no way she could. Not with all of it. Not everything. Not...Not what really mattered. What really happened.

 

But her heart was twisting apart like a fraying rope, and she was tired and scared, and exhausted. Her hand went to her locket around her neck, trying hard not to think about the two people in it, the two she had now lost permanently, in very different ways.

 

Caitlin stood up silently and so did Molida, gathering the mail.  Caitlin shielded her eyes with her hand from the glare of the sun, meeting her gaze. “I don’t think you can.”

 

~.~

 

Caitlin didn’t know how she got here.

 

“Do you want another one?” Shawna asked, handing out a fresh red Solo cup. She wore a purple crop top, and skintight black jeans. Caitlin’s eyes lingered on silver rod of her belly button piercing, unsure whether to be awed or horrified. That couldn’t have possibly been painless.

 

“Well, Snow? I’m trying to be generous, here.” Shawna’s eyes were a little glossy, her hair frizzier, half falling out of the bun she’d had it piled high on top of her head.

  
  
“Of course she wants,” Lexi swooped in, taking the cup and placing it in her lap. Caitlin’s fingers curled around the cylindrical shape, staring down into its contents.

 

Caitlin sat stiffly on the couch of Tony Woodward’s parents’ home. She’d had three drinks already, two cranberry vodkas, the only alcoholic drink she’d learned she enjoyed at Lisa’s older brother’s birthday party last month.  It wasn’t awful, but even she knew it was badly mixed, leaning heavily to the side of pure liquor. Her third drink was the half warm cup of beer thrusted at everyone who entered the door that made her grimace the entire time she tipped it down her throat. “What is it?”

  
  
“The hell do I know,” Shawna laughed, “I didn’t mix it.”

 

Caitlin glared at her.

 

“Oh come on, liven up. Isn’t that the point? Remember how fun it was, at Len’s party?”

  
Caitlin didn’t know, honestly. She was so drunk she barely remembered. Cisco kept giving her odd looks when she never took her sunglasses off the next day.

 

Becky Sharpe intervened, holding her hand out from the other end of the couch. “Hold up, if Caitlin doesn’t want to drink anymore then we let her do that, right? Like, I don’t drink anymore because I get alcohol poisoning from, like, one beer. So she’s fine. We can be sober buddies.”

 

“What the hell is the point of coming to a Tony Woodward party if it’s not to get trashed?” Shawna yelled. “You need to stop being such a prissy ass, Caitlin!”

 

The girls all stared at her expectantly as Flo Rida pulsated through the bluetooth speaker.

 

And it was like. Okay. So Caitlin was new at this, but it’s not like she was an alcohol virgin, right? She’d take dainty sips of wines from her dad’s cup at home occasionally, and she did drink two weeks ago and Leonard Snart’s party.

 

It’s just, it was a school night.

 

And when Lexi came over, pulling her out of bed and fixing her hair, telling her she knew what would cheer her up, she didn’t say no. She wasn’t even sure if she could say no. But what was the use analyzing that? She didn’t say it anyway, so what was the point? It’s not like Caitlin was in the mood to start playing around with pushing her limits with these girls.

 

She peered down into the cup.

 

Alcohol made people forget heartache, isn’t that what they said?

 

Caitlin took the glass and drank it all, then asked for another.

 

And then another.

 

~.~

 

“So when are you going to tell us whose jacket you’re wearing?” Lisa demanded, shrieking into Caitlin’s ear. She had finally returned from making her rounds with her lipstick smudged, making out with everyone who’d let her.

Caitlin blinked, looking down at her attire. “Oh my god.” She grabbed Lexi’s arm, shaking it. “Oh crap. It’s Eddie’s!?” she couldn’t believe she forgot. Why hasn’t she taken it off!? Everyone is going to start assuming stuff _oh crap_. _Crap crap crap._

  
“Oh. _My god??”_ Lexi jumped up and down on her seat cushion. “Spill the deets!”

 

Caitlin took another gulp from her cup and frowned, thinking hard. “Well, I think--Like. He was just being nice, you know. And he….gave it to me.”

 

Caitlin squeezed her eyes shut, feeling a little woozy. Was that what happened? It was, right?

 

“When?” Lisa implored.

 

Caitlin opened one eye. “This….morning?”

 

“Oh, my god. Ohmigod he _likes_ you!”

 

Caitlin used Lexi’s arm for support to pull herself up. “No Because Iris! Doesn’t matter because Cisco.”

 

She reached for her cup again, but maybe it was Lisa’s. Oops.

 

“I thought you two broke up?” said Becky.

 

“No!” Caitlin exclaimed, getting up on her feet. “Like, listen, okay. I can wear this jacket if I want. Because me and Cisco aren’t like, infinite anymore. Not for now. Maybe never.”

 

“That’s right,” Lexi enthused, raising her solo cup to toast. “You’re an independent woman!”

 

Lisa whooped, toasting with Lexi.

 

“It’s stupid. It’s all so stupid. Why would we be infinite?” Caitlin ranted, starting to pace. “Every smart person talks about infinity like it’s a thing you know, like it’s real but they never got there. Infinite is like...Not….Achievable, so why are they lying?”

 

“That’s so deep,” Lisa fawned. “But I don’t get it.”

  
Caitlin nearly tripped, sloshing her drink over the rim. This place was so crowded. And it was crazy because she didn’t care about any of these people. It’s like what Shawna said. She was such a _nerd_. She didn’t branch out and talk to people. No wonder she had no friends! Look at all the people here, they were so cool and interesting, and they weren’t Barry and they weren’t Cisco so maybe she could start scratch.

 

Yeah. Caitlin was going to start scratch. Central City High School was pretty big, and half of her graduating class was crammed in this very house.

 

She decided to share this revelation. “Okay! But, I think it’s like--Just because, like. Some things don’t work! Okay! Sometimes they don’t! And you have to accept that! You just start over! Like that song!”

 

“Oh!” Lisa tilted her head, snapping her fingers and humming an indecipherable tune under her breath, trying to jog the words to memory. “I know! _Thank U, Next?!?”_

 

“Yes!” Caitlin clapped her hands. “ _Thank U, Next._ You know? You just,” Caitlin stopped abruptly bumping into Jake Puckett.

 

His eyes went wide. “Snow? What are _you_ doing here?”

 

Okay why is everyone asking her that. Is she like, on the non invite list or something. As if, Tony Woodward could make a list.

 

Jake’s eyebrows climbed higher, laughing with disbelief.

  
Ooooh no. She said that out loud didn’t she. She gasped, covering her mouth. “Ohmygosh. That was so rude.”

 

“I like you drunk.”

 

“I’m not drunk,” Caitlin asserted, “I’m--” She realized who she was talking to. “Hey! _You._ You….Gross….Ugh! Stop bothering Cisco! You’re not _allowed_ to talk to me.” She shoved him hard out of her way, and he let her, surprisingly, turning on his heel. letting her go.

 

She made a beeline into the kitchen to get something for her throat, still grumbling about that jerk. Her throat was burning and she wanted water. But this wasn’t her fridge and this wasn’t her kitchen and she didn’t know where the nice glasses were. Also. She wanted ice.

 

But finding water was actually really hard, people were stuffed against each other around the table with liquor and she ended up with two more cups of stuff she spent that last hour and a half drinking.

 

Caitlin gave up after aimlessly searching for about five minutes, slouching her head over the counter by the stove.

 

Becky found her there moments later. “Hey, it’s getting late. I’m gonna head home. You wanna come?”

 

_“Ughhhh.”_

 

“....Is that a yes?”

 

She wanted _Cisco_ to take her home. A violent shudder went through her, and she bit her lip, fighting the urge to cry. She doesn’t understand why her head feels so funny and why she’s here and why the music is so god awful and _loud_. And why isn’t Cisco picking up her calls? She sent him twelve snaps and he hasn’t opened _any_ of them so she deleted the app and then unfollowed him from Twitter. She looked up to tell Becky but she was gone.

 

Lexi walked in then, worming her way though the crowd. She glanced at Caitlin, then turned to Shawna who was closely behind her. “Oh my god. She’s a _mess.”_

 

“This is all your fault!” Caitlin yelled, banging her first against the table.

  
“Caitlin, you drank too much. God, when I said to have some fun tonight I didn’t mean for you to _embarrass_ us.”  

 

“I’m not!” she insisted, hiccuping loud sobs all over again. This wasn’t fun anymore. What was she even doing here? Was she out of her mind? She just wanted Cisco and she wanted to _go home_.  

 

Tony peered in. “Is that _Caitlin Snow_ screaming? Can she shut up? This house is loud enough, I’m afraid a neighbour is going to call the cops or something.”

 

It was as if Tony wished it upon itself and it immediately came true.

 

“Oh hell,” he cussed.

 

Loud voices starting making a ruckus over the music and the bluetooth was immediately disconnected. Kids started to scramble, ditching their friends in an attempt to run out undetected, and four policemen stormed in like it was a raid.

Shawna grabbed Lexi by the hand, pulling her through the back door in the kitchen.

 

Caitlin stood frozen, eyes wide with terror.

 

A police officer looked down at his notebook, “Alright, where’s Woodward? I _know_ this is his house--” he looked up and nearly dropped his pen. _“Caitlin?”_

 

She looked up at officer West. That was a mistake. The look of disappointment on his face made her want to disintegrate.

 

“Change of plans,” officer West said to his partner, jabbing his thumb out at Caitlin. “I know this one. She’s a friend of my kid.”

 

Iris’s dad exchanged some words with his coworkers, then walked with Caitlin out of the house.

 

The cold air hit her too hard, like she had just stepped off a rollercoaster at a Six Flags. She swayed, woozy, and she had to rely on the large hands guiding her into the cruiser car. “Do you have your phone?”

 

“Its dead,” she slurred.

 

“Alright.” He strapped her into the backseat. Caitlin shrunk into herself, fisting the seatbelt, and hiding her face into the leather material. She felt like a criminal.

 

The ride was very quiet. Caitlin stared out the window watching all the lights whizz by.

 

Eventually, about five minutes from her neighbourhood, Officer West spoke up.

 

“Caitlin you are a minor. And you’ve consumed a hell lot of alcohol at an illegal house party unsupervised with a whole bunch of rough kids. You’re smarter than that.”

 

“I called Cisco. He didn’t pick up.”

 

Officer West adjusted his rearview mirror so he could look at her.

 

“Why didn’t he?”

 

“He hates me.”

 

“Why on Earth would Cisco hate you? Lovers’ spat?” He chuckled, but quieted when she didn’t answer. “Caitlin?”

 

“He hates me.”

 

“Kid, I don’t think you’re hearing what you’re saying. That boy is so ridiculously in love it hurts my eyeballs to watch. There’s no way that’s true.”

 

That angered her. Because she was hearing what she was saying, perfectly fine. And maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But one day very soon, Cisco’s blinding optimism she had fallen in love with will wither away, and for what she’d done to him, for the way she’s breaking the years they shared, there was no doubt in Caitlin’s mind that he was going to grow hate.

 

“Don’t you think I wouldn’t do something crazy unless my life was falling apart?”

 

Officer West paused, and pulled over on a side street. He twisted backwards and removed his black beanie.

 

“Caitlin. I know you’re struggling because of your father. You have real, raw pain in your heart and I understand that. My father died too when I was young and I was only left with my mother. But you need to handle grief in another way. A way that won’t put you in danger or isolate you. One with support and people who actually care.”

 

Caitlin blinked rapidly, her eyes welling with tears.

 

“But Grandma Esther loves you and Iris. You were still loved.”

 

Officer West’s face twisted. “You don’t think your mother loves you?”

 

Caitlin’s shoulders started to tremble and she pulled her legs up, dropping her head to her knees, unable to voice her thoughts aloud.

 

_Nobody does anymore._

 

Joe made a grunting sound, and turned back around, turning on the windshields to wipe away the sudden rain.

 

“I'm gonna bring you home.”

 

~.~

 

Officer West got buzzed in through the gate and Caitlin’s mother came running down the front steps, meeting them down the driveway.

 

She gasped when she saw Caitlin and the state she was in. Her hair matted to the left, eyes incredibly red and puffy. And to make matters worse, she was still in Eddie Thawne’s jacket.

 

“Carla, did you know your daughter was not at home?”

 

Her mom crossed her arms over her satin robe, her reading glasses perched on the top of her head. “Our housekeeper informed me she had skipped school. It was my impression she was still here until half an hour ago.”

 

Iris’s dad frowned. “You never realized she wasn’t home?”

 

Mom shot him a look of disdain. “Officer West, I’m certain you’ve been in my home.”

 

“Yes I have,” he replied, without a beat.

 

“Then you know how large it is, and how easy one can slip away. Clearly, my child has lost the privilege to be entrusted with such responsibility of entering and leaving without permission. That ends tonight. Where were you?”

 

Caitlin shivered in the cold, eyelashes still clumped together from tears, as she looked up at her. “...A party.”

 

Her mother narrowed her eyes. “ Did Francisco put you up to this? And is that why you skipped? Some kind of senior’s prank? I don’t find that funny, Caitlin.”

 

“Cisco had nothing to do with this,” she said, tired. Caitlin pushed past her mother, “I told you I’m not speaking to him anymore. And I don’t want to talk to you either.”

 

She ignored whatever angered retort her mother threw at her back, going up the long driveway to go inside.

 

Caitlin was certain she was going to throw up, but she never did. She went to her bedroom and walked past her mirror. She paused, staring at her own reflection, feeling sick in a different way from the twisting in her stomach. She still had the black over her eyelids, and the black on her nails and the gaudy yellow sundress she now hates over the _stupid_ varsity jacket.

She yanked it off, throwing it to the ground and pushing it out of her sight. It didn’t belong on her. She shouldn’t have taken it. It felt like cheating. It was wrong. And it was wrong to get drunk and it was wrong to go to the party and it was wrong to skip school and it was wrong to yell at Molida and it was wrong to snap at Iris and it was wrong to embarrass Cisco in front of the entire chemistry class. It was wrong to think she was worth one penny to him anymore, and it was wrong to miss his touch and his goodnights in her ear before drifting off to sleep like every night since he’d first learned how to use Armando’s ancient iPhone in the seventh grade.

 

But it wasn’t wrong to break up with Cisco. Her bottom lip trembled, and she turned her head away, unable to even look at herself.

 

She crawled into bed, curling into a ball on her side, with everything else still on. Even the lights.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost named this chap "Caitlin Crying" because that seemed to be all she did but y'know. There's no HS movie called that. Sucks.


End file.
